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  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    Did you know you can add "boom" to the end of any sentence and it's immediately awesome and you're amazing? Boom.

    • 1,869
    • FAVS
    TangltweetsEmaSlemaChuckyNookieFukiuPoetryIm_Not_AdoptedJaydeRocksthenickideestaytrew
    • 840
    • RETWEETS
    TurboJellyBeanOverRitzPinkLemonade713thenickideeThe_Mer_KidCammille26PowKaPowBoomUnderchilde
    joeljeffreythetobbie5haelhidingfromme__CleverLinguistDavidOzmundRyenInTheMoineslancevarnadoNotJustJack______SteelFontana__Coastiefish
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

    • 1,570
    • FAVS
    Im_Not_AdoptedJaydeRocksjake_lachthenickideetristaismsstaytrewlkkashnancyhoffner
    • 890
    • RETWEETS
    thenickideeCammille26nancyhoffnerDannilynnAPowKaPowBoomUnderchildeyougotjokrishna_van
    NaturalBornGriz__edheenan__________C_J_Commode______jrogasm__________GHCanada__________crayan9DukeOfOyl________shatty48
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I'm not wearing underwear in church. And I'm tweeting. I'm tweeting about not wearing underwear in church. Holy shit. It's like I SEE hell.

    • 1,678
    • FAVS
    kelsie_dotsonchrysalism_hilaryfairieOzjohn55lantos_sidheatbara9gtfo_princessthatcarlygirl
    • 598
    • RETWEETS
    Ozjohn55TheNordicHammerAnitaHelmetBadMikeyBadcutiepiemedicLackOfShamedownunder30texasstalkermom
    cynicuhlsee_more13One_FineMessTinkerbell_Reverend_ScottabstracteMaui_SpeaksfarleftcoastSteelFontana__CoastiefishSupportPets_
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I hate when I have sex and then I accidentally have three kids and then I can't hear anything because EVERYONE IS FUCKING YELLING!

    • 1,121
    • FAVS
    Tangltweetsg00phyNotOwenMeanyjen__c_Poi_Zen_Iveyblewsyboylantos_sidheKarinaLausen
    • 529
    • RETWEETS
    TurboJellyBeanCaliBorn1122ElChavaletoLackOfShamethenickideeElleAys__buriedwithkidsOutOnTheMoors
    SteelFontana__TweetingDadGuyfortuitouslifeEFFFFFFYOU________
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.

    • 1,177
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22FukiuPoetrykitty7718texasstalkermomdancefeverbarbiJaydeRocksOrbOpsMommyAndSons
    • 379
    • RETWEETS
    murrayvetsteinhonestlysaradancefeverbarbi0463AS0369thenickideeVanillaRoadsPowKaPowBoomUnderchilde
    JoshuaHvrGroperClevelandprontopupcynicuhledheenan__________
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    My evolution of twitter has been "Oh you have to get a twitter and follow me!" to completely avoiding eye contact when someone mentions it.

    • 927
    • FAVS
    NotOwenMeanyISOremarkableoccipital1daniel_shawjordan_strattonOutOnTheMoorsbuckweiser13Hanmaboogie
    • 384
    • RETWEETS
    occipital1goinginawkwardjordan_strattonOutOnTheMoorsGaurav_se57buckweiser13HanmaboogieMarcmywords2
    ChazballparkLeggaliciousKKAlThanijrogasm__________NotJustJack______wheatnik
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I get tons of stars!!!


    From the same, like, 13 people.



    But still. Lots.

    • 965
    • FAVS
    TangltweetsGoldenSpiralssokyshipnTheWeedFathersalamingiakarinemaslowBrienMamboMsBishop88
    • 204
    • RETWEETS
    TurboJellyBeansalamingiabrain_omenDiiamondlustOnlyFastEddiekrishna_vanHannahLTayMarcmywords2
    SinLegionBelvAndBourbthedayofthedotfastmofobanshee
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I'm still not sure where we stand, Pluto is or is not considered a real dog?

    • 783
    • FAVS
    krishna_vandirtydishtowelsTheCiscoKiddermomestySporkFiendmblazonedElleAys__daniel_shaw
    • 341
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanSporkFiendmblazonedElleAys__OutOnTheMoorsNouhaila_20Hurricane_TimmyiLikeCatShirts
    galiamangoAristotlesNZ__nerdamage
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    Facebook: where we complain.

    Google+: where we go to be alone.

    Twitter: where we go to be inappropriately amazing.

    • 736
    • FAVS
    courtneycolsthenickideedirtydishtowelsElleAys__buriedwithkidsdaniel_shawiwearaonesieAngrEdmontonian
    • 312
    • RETWEETS
    thenickideeRealistGingeroneeyedhero______SavageAphroditeMs_Gainsbourg____BareChesty007Rex_IncJojo_51213
    Try_Aand_Cilife_suckerClubNette
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    If you don’t mumble “fuck off” to your children under your breath for the first two hours every morning, then tell me your secrets, wizard.

    • 684
    • FAVS
    chullymortonKrisp_ZNuitsheuansabrinaagrimesElleAys__csquaredkimtexasstalkermomblackpantysalv
    • 263
    • RETWEETS
    ElleAys__buriedwithkidsjinkeeOutOnTheMoorsBareChestythenoahkinseyPsstCaptainTheCrumbDiary
    thenoahkinseyJenny4ashleyradtoria__________Walmartin2011
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    RT'ing without starring is like saying "here look at this, I don't like it but fuck it, maybe you will."

    • 700
    • FAVS
    chantelle_gmdonion_ringPalmerStanfieldmatt___nelsonRunwayDanTheGayFlashdirtydishtowelsElleAys__
    • 207
    • RETWEETS
    coooolemanmatt___nelsonRunwayDanTheGayFlashdirtydishtowelsElleAys__OutsideMetrolilgapeach32
    edheenan__________KaeWhy270DanTheSnick__confusedlush______
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.

    • 508
    • FAVS
    ElleAys__emmrankda_fluffy_oneHotwings26Drun_KenmansecondofhernameHasn095_somebxdy
    • 387
    • RETWEETS
    Sharmaine_Ziadel239truckskidaniel_shawJen_Up_____TheCrumbDiary007Rex_IncTotallyUnfunny
    gorillagunt______
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I just pushed a beautiful baby girl out of my vagina. Nice try, girls complaining about their periods.

    • 755
    • FAVS
    JandalizeElleAys__buriedwithkidsdaniel_shawjon_aleyOutsideMetroiwearaonesiemarhineland
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    BareChesty007Rex_IncBrytanHplease_Sir_CallMeDraper3myk5slopoke1000aaronup
    erica_rosiejrogasm__________IGotsSmartsSexxxiMommmy______NaturalBornGriz__9to5LifeSl_Inky__________scotthellrisingOneLinersPlus__
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    The RT button. Because sometimes other people just say it perfectly.

    • 476
    • FAVS
    thenickideeemery_kayemcibtyStupidSophia_g00phykrishna_vanSporkFiendoutsmartedmommy
    • 293
    • RETWEETS
    thenickideemdpakrattLOVE_russelchrisreidradiokrishna_vanSporkFiendburiedwithkidsElleAys__
    krishna_van
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    Ok teeny, tiny, shitty little smart car, one day I'm not gonna stop when I rip into that parking spot thinking it's empty. Shifty bastard.

    • 647
    • FAVS
    thatcarlygirlElleAys__daniel_shawOutsideMetrobaseballchickieYardboyiwearaonesiemarhineland
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    OverRitziwearaonesieBareChestyPsstCaptain007Rex_IncBrytanHTomServo18MissvalCa
    1800RandySteelFontana__
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    Hey, people without kids, I have a message for you when you wake up in like 5 hours, "fuck you."


    That is all.

    • 599
    • FAVS
    NotOwenMeanyJandalizeAdelitasBarbieElleAys__daniel_shawAngrEdmontonianmarhinelandBareChesty
    • 123
    • RETWEETS
    ElleAys__PsstCaptainJen_Up_____TheCrumbDiary007Rex_IncMissvalCaCallMeDraper3myk5
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    Ok, guys serious tweet here: RIP to the box of fruit roll ups I just opened and murdered with my face.

    • 611
    • FAVS
    ElleAys__daniel_shawiwearaonesiemarhinelandTw1tter_K1ttenBareChestymoon_pizza_mikeJen_Up_____
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    PsstCaptainBareChestyTheCrumbDiary007Rex_IncyollmsTmoney68aShiverOfSharks__lightfromlight
    BlairLoudlyjess_stratton
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    As an adult, I'm most afraid when my children's toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms....

    • 570
    • FAVS
    thenickideeElleAys__daniel_shawOutsideMetroAngrEdmontonianscootiekkSternoShotsmarhineland
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    scootiekkSternoShotsMissvalCaMadManAzJukeJointJesse__clownholeRag_Doll_Sally____evilgooglerep
    jergarlBrianhopecomedydonjuantip
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    I would never attend a tweetup. I know from your tweets that like 98% of you would be hiding in the shadows touching yourselves.

    • 540
    • FAVS
    ElleAys__daniel_shawOutsideMetroiwearaonesieBrytanHthereverendcinkHeyRache__k8ieokay
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    TotallyUnfunnyhisredjuneAdam143myk5clownholepupbroofdogRL631DebraMuffin
  • Discourt
      Court @Discourt

    My son is seriously such a sweet heart. He's going to make a great husband some day when he's 30 and I let him start dating.

    • 492
    • FAVS
    NotOwenMeanyElleAys__daniel_shawjon_aleyOutsideMetromarhinelandBrytanHTINY_TOESIES______
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    OutsideMetroBrytanHMissvalCaclownholeRag_Doll_Sally____Bakerman516divadeb99WilleyBrian
    lakeanagirlispypanda
@Discourt

@Discourt

I hate when I have sex and then I accidentally have three kids and then I can't hear anything because EVERYONE IS FUCKING YELLING!