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I would've like to have seen a series of commercials with the Where's The Beef lady discovering that beef is all around us, in our hearts.
Spanish will now be known as "Spicy English."
i was talked into going to my high school reunion tonight. i’ll be wearing a false tooth filled with potassium cyanide just in case…
Can you talk right now?
Yeah but I'm gonna put a gobstopper in mouth for every second this chat lasts.
My classmate raised his hand on the first day of school and called Mrs. Schulter, "Mrs. Shoulders". I had to leave the room.
"You have some updog on your shirt."
"My wife and I are having intimacy issues."
...Im your president Barack Obama. Questions?
*guy in the back*
“What if Kirby swallowed a Ditto?"
*Obama repeatedly slams the panic button*
welcome to Being A Ghost. Here are your chains for some reason
"Grandpa we love you so much. Do you have any last words?" "Why is it ok for black people to use the.." "HE SAID HE LOVES US TOO!"
Buzzfeed's 17 Most Fuckable Dandruff Shampoo Models (with captions!)
Church would be awesome if there was a sassy gay priest. "I'm into but-fuckin. Meanin Im into anything...but fuckin! Praise Jesus! Amens!"
The Pope gave his final public speech yesterday. Reports say he closed with, "I love God, but I'm not IN love with God."
Deers X-ing Next 5 Miles. Also O-ing. Very affectionate deer ahead.
attack turtle “I don’t know how to do that” kill turtle “I don’t know how to do that” sex turtle “You feel the turtle’s breath on your neck
Mom, tell me how you and Dad met when you first saw his penis on Omegle.
Devastating. RT @studentactivism: Newtown mother put her murdered baby in an open coffin so world could see. http://www.thestar.com/opinion/editorialopinion/2013/01/22/mallick_why_newtown_victim_noah_pozner_had_an_open_coffin.html …
[Resume] Objective: To get job/have absolute control over all things existing in heaven and on earth Qualification: 3 yrs as train conductor