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"I've been waiting for this my whole life" I thought as the man pointed the gun at my head and demanded I recite "Bohemian Rhapsody"
I sometimes start to feel like I'm intelligent, but then I remember that I've verbally threatened more than one of my personal electronics
Who are you, man at Wal Mart buying 3 boxes of instant mashed potatoes at 2am? What were your dreams?
"Show us on the doll where Ed Hardy hurt you." *touches eyes*
*1 new message* "*gunfire* OH GOD AL, PICK UP THE PHONE! *GUNFIRE* IT'S URGENT, HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE *screaming* THE OWL WON'T DIE!"
"Macaulay Culkin" ISN'T a traditional Hawaiian greeting?
If I wrote assembly instructions, I'd have fun with it. I'd slip something weird in, like "Now you will need two gerbils to turn the screw."
Tried to buy a Bon Iver album and Amazon called me to ask if I just needed to sit and talk.
Coworker showed me his kid's Christmas list. It said "World Peace" at the top. Good luck with that, kid, your dad can barely run a copier.
How do we know that a new Mayan calendar doesn't start on the 22nd? Maybe they simply foresaw wanting a new one with pictures of kittens.
What's sadder, the girl with the Kim Possible tone as her text alert, or me recognizing it as such?
Unfollow you into the dark
Text message a women "This is where the magic happens" and send a picture of a top hat
90% of my job is just me hunched over a computer, shaking my head in disgust.
Baby Bjorns for adults, please
My desire to get around via parkour is matched solely by my complete inability to do parkour.
Tried calling this chick I met last night but her voicemail said she was currently unavailable. I thought I she was single :(