The average person has sex 103 times per year. Based on statistical averages, December's going to be fucking awesome.

True story: New gmail account. For my password, I chose "penis". It told me my password wasn't long enough. You know, fuck you, Gmail.

In a universe somewhere far away, an army of socks and Tupperware lids dance together in freedom and laugh at us all.

Think of Facebook as training for Twitter. If your Facebook friends find your posts offensive or obsene, you know you're ready.

In line at CVS. Random lady turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently, I have a "Tell me if u have diarrhea" face.

I just got this twitter error: "The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it." Apparently, twitter thinks we're married.

If you've given up on life, don't kill yourself. Wear sweats. People will understand.

Me: There's nothing wrong with staring my own tweets.
Me: Bro, u r so right. High 5.
Me: High 5.
Me: U rock.
Me: No, u rock.
Me: No, u rock.

My therapist told me to make a list of my 2011 accomplishments. 1. Autocorrect finally recognizes "MILF" as a real word. 2. This list.

If we ever go on a first date and I seem nervous, try fucking me. This really relaxes me.

Is "lol" a rorschach test. Because I see a man drowning, his little head & arms barely above water. Know what? He's not laughing out loud.

My ex gf says I'll sleep with anything that moves. But you know what? You don't really have to move.

To: God. Re: Cupid. He wears diapers in public. Carries a deadly weapon. Is a child. Can we put someone else in charge of love?

They say a man has 10,000 orgasms in his life. Three after he's married.

Going to fire my cleaning ladies. They don't clean. They eat my food, do homework, & watch South Park. Oh wait, those are my kids.

I like to carry a mattress with me everywhere I go in case I need to nap. Because carrying a mattress around is exhausting.

Tried to have the big "sex talk" with my kids, but it was no use. They're still bickering over what the safety word should be.

There are two rules to being mysteriously sexy:

1. Always leave them guessing.

Facebook: Lie to everyone u know. Twitter: Brutal honesty to everyone else.

Why do I crave favstars? Am I needy? Insecure? Did that offend u? R u mad at me? Do u hate me? OMG, CAN WE JUST START OVER?