Twitter: helping people procrastinate since 2006

saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

I just told my husband to kiss my ass.. he told me his mouth wasn't that big. Anybody know where I can hide his body?

Long ago in a favstarverse far away lived an alien race known as Star Whores. They lived solely to be part of the Empire called Leaderboard

My sons cell phone screen is broke, he cant see who calls him or texts him, so we have been sending texts all night to drive him crazy

My husband just demand an apology. I said "Fine, I'm sorry I married you 19 years ago!" He didn't think it was as funny as I did

I wonder why people try to get cats out of trees... I mean seriously.. think about it how many cat skeletons have you seen in trees?

Everytime someone flips me off I get a giddy sense of accomplishment.

I have carpal tunnel of the jaw.. my husband wishes its from doing what your perverted minds are thinking, but its because I cant STFU

Lady in line had Oreos, ice cream, Doritos, soda. I didn't think it was funny either until she added Dexatrim, water pills & cleasing pills

I just told hubs I didn't want to go to work today. He said I can stay home if I blew him. I'll be back in a few..I gotta get ready for work

you ever wake up at 2am and think.."damn, I need to clean!"? Yeah.. me neither

Welcome to the Twitter Addict Support group. More commonly known as Twitter.com

I think failwhale is just seeing how long it will take before BP kills it too

HAPPY FATHERS DAY! Now go thank your dad for telling your mom that there is no way in hell she could get pregnant the first time they do it

i used to have a voice like justine bieber, then i turned 4

Dear stupid radio stations: You DO realize the FCC will let you play more than the same 20 songs that you play the same time every day.

My husband just asked me to make him a sandwich 'made with love' So I wiped my ass with each piece of lunchmeat before I put them on

I LOVE my mulching mower! Ok so I don't have 1. What I DO have is the extreme lack of desire to bend down & pick up the shit thats in my way

My son asked me where my tactical insertion is. I said "Ask your dad"#modern warfare 2