It took a while, but I came up with a nickname for everyone woman I've slept with.

Number 1 and number 2.

Ok, so it didnt take that long

Just when you think you've reached an all time low in your life, just calmly remind yourself.

You could be watching Nascar.

The new favstar system has me so confused I'm just going to start licking the tweets I like.

I would rather buy anal beads at a garage sale to put in my mouth, than watch 10 seconds of Sarah Palin's Alaska.

I'm about to head to wal-mart does this belt match these sweatpants?

I'll believe in karma when the chickens start choking me.

If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

Is it too much to ask that I finally find a woman that knows how to cook?

Cause this meth isn't going to cook itself.

The only difference between my bday & every other day, is that when I cry & masturbate over my highschool yearbook, I'm wearing a party hat.

Cigarettes are so expensive now that I'm thinking about replacing my marijuana grow with a covert tobacco growing operation.

Watching women play sports can be so confusing sometimes.. Its like, my mind gets so bored, but my penis gets so excited

Rummaging through someone's bathroom garbage can tell you a lot about them.

In the end it says a whole hell of a lot more about you though.

To be honest, the terrorists don't scare me half as much as the people that participate in dog shows.

To the dude that was driving behind me in the Nissan Xterra blasting lady gaga. All the limo tint in the world won't hide your shame

Twitter is going down for 5 hours tonight. I'll be looking for you all in the obituaries tomorrow. I may even star some of them.

I would brag about my abs like the rest of you, but unfortunately for me, my car has drum brakes.

Oh, and I'm fat.

I got halfway through this box of cocoa puffs before I realized it was stale.

Luckily I'm high, or I may have never finished off the box.

So I'm pretty sure it's my addictive personality that stars all of your tweets.

You can thank it later with drugs, sex, and alcohol.

I swear, the next time I get my girlfriend a vibrator at a yard sale, I'm not telling her where I bought it.

My friend's Vegas plan is "win lots of money right away and upgrade to a suite."

What he lacks in originality is made up for in idiocy.