Whats six inches long and wont get sucked on this valentines day?






Whitney Houston's Crackpipe
#toosoon?

Who else would like to see Cee Lo Green on a giant hamster wheel ?

Everytime I hear someone yell "Stop" I get the urge to yell "Hammertime"!!

The cops just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes......my dogs don't even own bikes.

When I see a 300lb 10 year old girl eating chicken wings with a Ke$ha t-shirt I question society's intentions.

I'm lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

I know I'm going to die young because I've wasted a lot of lung capacity blowing on Nintendo cartridges.

If you haven't watched Marley & Me the dog dies at the end.
Your Welcome.

I think Jesus would look dope in a Adidas tracksuit.

Explaining to my daughter the importance of valuing how lucky she is key. Sweetie back in my day you couldn't save your game.

Sometimes on my TV dinner I purposely push some corn into the brownie.
#boss

I'm stronger than a piece of corn through a digestive track.

Your not drunk until you do the running man.

"Awe Snooki your baby's kicking"!
"No she fist pumping silly!! Time to take a shot"!!

Sometimes to be gangsta I hold my stapler sideways.

If 30's the new twenty does that mean I can sleep with 17 year olds?

Recycled tweets do nothing for the environment.

I use twitter because the cost of candy and gas for my van have skyrocketed.

I talk to my dog like he's Brian from Family Guy.

It would be awesome to load up Jim Carey on 5 hits of acid and set him loose in a rubber factory.