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  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I asked my girlfriend if I should watch Hockey or Porn.

    She replied, "you should watch porn, since you already know how to play hockey"

    • 239
    • FAVS
    Maui_SpeaksfizzboydannydogmouthDelaBootsshariv67CookieClowryitsAnoodleKiss_My_Trash
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    The Internet is a drug. One minute you're checking your email...4 hours later your pants are down to your ankles feeling awkward and lonely.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthshamosaurus______Juan_LechemzjleeMsMishyMishy______ThatsAFakeLaugh__Blue_Crabpatiokerr
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Couldn't stop laughing when checking myself for testicular cancer per doctors orders. It tickled. Nobody else on the bus found it funny tho.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthCookieClowryJuan_LecheSpeak_N_Spiel____MsMishyMishy______TimUhlsammynitro________gauravkantgoel
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I should stop playing music during sex as it gives the girl a frame of time. Apparently 3/4 of 'Baby' by Justin Bieber isn't long enough.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    fizzboydannydogmouthCookieClowryitsAnoodleSpeak_N_Spiel____TimUhlsammynitro________gauravkantgoel
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    My girlfriend claims flavored condoms rubber the wrong way.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    fizzboydannydogmouthitsAnoodlepatiokerrSpeak_N_Spiel____TimUhlsammynitro________gauravkantgoel
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Got my iPod stolen recently. Don't really care for it. I'm just pissed that somebody out there knows how much I like slow jams.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthJuan_LecheitsAnoodleSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________gauravkantgoelOhReallyRach______carlosdavila
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Why the hell is your screen name "skinny_bitch39" if you're really 250lbs? We'll have sex this time, but I won't let you trick me again...

    • 73
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthshamosaurus______Juan_LecheitsAnoodlepatiokerrSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________gauravkantgoel
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I refuse to use single-ply toilet paper. If I'm not careful, I risk fingering my own butt hole. I'd rather do that on my own terms.

    • 72
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthCookieClowryitsAnoodleThatsAFakeLaugh__Speak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________gauravkantgoelspacklepus________
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Somebody called me a homophobe the other day. WTF? I love my home...but I'm thinking of moving because of the queers next door.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthCandy4breakfastCookieClowryFireBug_58Speak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________BeerhazeOhReallyRach______
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Candy4breakfast
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I find that it's more comfortable taking a dump with no clothes on. The officer at the playground didn't understand the concept though.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthitsAnoodleknotta_tardfanCrowdedBalconysammynitro________getawaygalsd______gauravkantgoelMaui_Speaks
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Can someone tell me how phone sex works? I tried...but can't seem to find a proper hole on my BlackBerry. So far we've only done oral.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthitsAnoodleSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________gauravkantgoelOhReallyRach______WittyClittyMisfitTits
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    My dental hygienist is sexy as hell. Too bad she's the one sticking things into my mouth and not the other way around.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________OhReallyRach______WittyClittyMisfitTitstehcougDizzblnd__________
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Now I gotta call every girl I slept with and say, "Hey! You might have given me gingivitus....don't be such a whore and wear your retainer!"

    • 57
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________gauravkantgoelOhReallyRach______tehcougDizzblnd__________JamieSmitten
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I have a tattoo on my chin showing how much psi force my jaw can generate and an 'HIV' tramp stamp on my back...in case I ever go to jail.

    • 56
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthitsAnoodleTimUhltammyphinney______ThatsAFakeLaugh__globetrottgirlSpeak_N_Spiel____shariv67
    knotta_tardfan
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    First Celine Dion, then Nickelback and now this Justin Bieber kid. As a Canadian, I sincerely apologize to the entire world.

    • 54
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthCookieClowryitsAnoodlemzjleemikeym00nSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________OhReallyRach______
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Does anyone know how to make your phone vibrate harder and faster? Asking for a friend

    • 54
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthSpeak_N_Spiel____sammynitro________OhReallyRach______IAmAntilia________WittyClittyMisfitTitstweetofclay
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I texted a girl to ask if she wanted to have sex and never heard back from her. She probably had a heart attack from all the excitement.

    • 46
    • FAVS
    dannydogmouthzemllacyehtjaneurysmGlitterStoneditsAnoodleDDDBU____________foxyfox_____________mightymouse______
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    "We're not gonna have sex but I'll give you a handjob instead". Listen woman, I have hands and they have the job. The position is filled.

    • 45
    • FAVS
    ThatsAFakeLaugh__knotta_tardfansammynitro________OhReallyRach______WittyClittyoenin____________tehcougDizzblnd__________
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    I just got fired. Apparently our understanding of 'tossing salad' didn't match. The waitresses and that one cook will surely miss me.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    globetrottgirlSpeak_N_Spiel____RandomHold________mrsnovocaine__________DDDBU____________sammynitro________janeurysmrichmckay
  • Dmao11
      David @Dmao11

    Is it gay for a man to enjoy a bubble bath? What if it's with another man? Asking for a friend.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    OhReallyRach______WittyClittytehcougtorturedjewrepomonvalentinemChubRocXLknotta_tardfan
@Dmao11

@Dmao11

Inside the mind of an online alter ego...