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Nothing good will ever come of your grandma's inviting you to be on Springer.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't want to be your friend anymore. WTF
I was so disappointed when I awoke this morning and found I had been hugging my pillow instead of you....Oh, can you please wash the sheets?
Never trust a man in a wheelchair if his shoes are dirty.
Wife flinched when I touched her bung hole; probably she is not interested in Twitter either. :(
I have had enough of this long distance relationship and I am moving the coffee machine to my cubicle.
If you cannot afford health care, go to the airport. You get an X-Ray and a breast exam. Also free colonoscopy if you mention Dr.Al Queda.
Yeah, OK, you can cut in front of me. You probably didn't know my truck is 70000lb, I have no self control, and I need a new hood ornament.
I will substitute "Vagina" each time I see "Vote" on Twitter today. Now enjoying all the tweets that encourage "Rock the Vagina!"
Last time we engaged in inappropriate shennanigans was when we split a box of wine. I've brought two boxes tonight, for insurance!
My drinking buddy (3 yo) has gone to bed. Do I drink more beer, switch to tequila, or set something on fire ?
I was looking for a Twitter crush, but then she would want to have my Twitter babies and I don't have nuf Twitter $ to buy diapers and booze
Why can't I get these noise cancelling headphones to shut out the idiot in the next cubicle? Oh well, I guess it is back to tequila time...
When I was much younger, it seemed that mom thought it was "lock the kids in the closet" day at least once a week.
World Sword Swallowers Day is on Feb. 23 (2:23 PM). All of you ladies without swords - I am sure you can find something suitable ....
The latest theory is that dinosaurs died off because they suffered from "reptile dysfunction" and viagra wasn't invented yet.
Using Kleenex faster than ever - thanks pollen .......