Nothing good will ever come of your grandma's inviting you to be on Springer.

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't want to be your friend anymore. WTF

I was so disappointed when I awoke this morning and found I had been hugging my pillow instead of you....Oh, can you please wash the sheets?

Never trust a man in a wheelchair if his shoes are dirty.

Wife flinched when I touched her bung hole; probably she is not interested in Twitter either. :(

I have had enough of this long distance relationship and I am moving the coffee machine to my cubicle.

If you cannot afford health care, go to the airport. You get an X-Ray and a breast exam. Also free colonoscopy if you mention Dr.Al Queda.

Yeah, OK, you can cut in front of me. You probably didn't know my truck is 70000lb, I have no self control, and I need a new hood ornament.

Now there are only 12 days until the Greatest Holiday Ever !!! pic.twitter.com/MSaPaELH1r

Damn, those squirrels in Pittsburgh will drink any old swill - except Iron City. pic.twitter.com/wtqgsUvt

I will substitute "Vagina" each time I see "Vote" on Twitter today. Now enjoying all the tweets that encourage "Rock the Vagina!"

Last time we engaged in inappropriate shennanigans was when we split a box of wine. I've brought two boxes tonight, for insurance!

Why yes, I would love to meet your new puppy ......... pic.twitter.com/FPqnIsAH

My drinking buddy (3 yo) has gone to bed. Do I drink more beer, switch to tequila, or set something on fire ?

I was looking for a Twitter crush, but then she would want to have my Twitter babies and I don't have nuf Twitter $ to buy diapers and booze

Why can't I get these noise cancelling headphones to shut out the idiot in the next cubicle? Oh well, I guess it is back to tequila time...

When I was much younger, it seemed that mom thought it was "lock the kids in the closet" day at least once a week.

Truth: pic.twitter.com/tkxLZXgI8B

World Sword Swallowers Day is on Feb. 23 (2:23 PM). All of you ladies without swords - I am sure you can find something suitable ....

The latest theory is that dinosaurs died off because they suffered from "reptile dysfunction" and viagra wasn't invented yet.