Taking my kids to Harry Potter World this summer. I hope I'm not too big to ride Hermione.

Wife's up. Not sure which of her personalities though. Keep you posted.

Having a wife and two daughters means never knowing which panties are okay to sniff.

I wish my wife was a little more bi and a little less polar.

Did I mention that after my father-in-law leaves, my mother-in-law is coming to stay? Also, did you know you can cut yourself with a spoon?

My hair looks terrible today so I'm walking around with my penis out so no one will notice.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." -- Guy who sells baskets.

My wife could sleep through a tornado, but the sound of a porn link being clicked will wake her every time.

The women in this office look at me like I'm a piece of meat. And they're all vegetarians.

I'm going to be so sad this summer when I drop my daughter off at college...knowing that I still have two more at home.

Masturbating with your wife's panties is weird. I prefer making a vagina from the hair I pull out of the drain.

If you don't have anything nice to say...you're my wife.

Maybe Darth Vader was evil because he couldn't scratch his balls.

Maybe women would do it more often if we didn't call it a blowjob. That's just poor marketing. Let's call it a blowshoesale.

My sons eating paint chips. I should probably stop him but I really can't afford college.

Meeting my mother at the dog park. Not sure when I became a middle aged, homosexual bachelor, but it's fabulous.

They're playing Madonna at this Hot Topic. Waiting for one of these emo kid's head to explode.

My mother is taking only two of my three children away for a week because, obviously, she doesn't want my wife and I to fuck.

RIP Robin Gibb. No longer Stayin' Alive.

Considering the frequency with which people masturbate in the shower, I'm surprised sewer babies aren't more common.