Never say "is that a midget?" in front of a midget. They're tiny because they're tiny, NOT because they're far away. Remember that

Okay, vegetarian, eat this chicken or I kill another chicken...

If you end every tweet with "#teamfollowback" there's a 94% chance that I'll attack you. And it will be violent. Very violent.

With a bit of luck I'll find someone who hates people as much as I do before I die, and we'll go get a house and hate people together.

Thanks to Alanis Morissette, every fucker now thinks a coincidence is ironic. Thanks a bunch, prick stain.

Oh I do love those days where following someone seems to be a life changing decision and thus requires great consideration and rumination

I'm guessing I'll get shit from the PC police for a Spotify playlist named 'Black People' in my defence, its better than calling it 'rap'

I now pronounce you, fucking stupid.

"I promise you, once I enter an exclusive relationship, I sleep with very few people"

"I love Justin Bieber" is Spanish for "run me over".

I'm going to stay away from other peoples favstar profiles. They all have so much more than me. It's depressing being in the land of 3 stars

I feel a RT coming on! Ohh no, it's just gas.

Spelling is important, kids. Just one letter can change the meaning of an entire sentence: "I've got morning wood", "I've got mourning wood"

I trust Microsoft as far as I could comfortably spit a dead rat

Unleash your tweets! Free them! Throw them back into the wild!

Staying awake is no fun. And it's shit. And gay. And useless. Fuck you all. Goodnight.

Swastika dildos in Nazi orgies.

No, Dave. Sticking a dildo on a horse's head definitely does NOT make it a unicorn.

I hate you all. Well, you're all right. Oh, and you. I suppose you'll do as well. Fuck the rest of you though!

Drug dealer seems like a cool career.