Just used Febreeze as body spray. Gotta date and thats all I had in my car.

Just went to 7-11 for smokes. They were "Closed due to death in the family"

2200 Tweets and 230 followers...like real life, I talk to myself a bunch

I hate weddings. I had one once

It just hit me why Uncle Lou called me a "Cute Little Fuck" when I was 11.

An iPhone cord, but more than a foot long

Ja Ja Rule was my favorite Stars Wars hip hop character

Vehicle breathalyzer kill switch but for my cell phone

Nun: What's wrong, my child?

Me: I can't get people to like my tweets

Nun: D-cups, child. You need D-cups.

I love the spring and all the sun dresses around. I just wish my boss would let me wear my sandals with them to work. Hater.

It's been a long fuckin day, now it's time to drink dinner.

My hangover won't let me think straight, but give me some time. Just started working on tomorrow's hangover.

Having the kind of day where I wish I had a puppy to come home and kick.

I'm watching a fishing show at 12:30 in the morning. My life sucks a bag of dicks.

Dropped the soap in the shower this morning and even I didn't try taking advantage of myself. My life sucks

Either I ate something with Red Dye No.5 in it or I need to get to the ER

Is this the current joke format?

Asking for a friend

I hope all these Canadian followers I'm getting aren't a hit squad because of my Nickleback tweets

Just opened my 150 degree car.

The yogurt I left on the front seat this morning should still be good, right?

I'm two beers away from blowing up my reputation on Facebook.

Beer me