You should just let your Honor Student drive, cause clearly you're an idiot.

On the way to an intervention. Hoping it's not mine, cause I need a drink.

Got a State Farm Auto Accident Kit from my agent it comes with a whistle and a glow stick, you know for emergency raves.

Ladies, can we please all agree to quit having sex with losers? Their expectations have gotten way too high.

Wow, so Clinton just got two women off at once?

Nascar teamed up with Visa? I thought Nascar fans' main currency was cigarettes and their sisters.

This woman is wearing beige clam diggers! By clam diggers I do mean her khakis are so tight she'll be digging them out of her clam all day.

Standing on the corner waiting for the bus, this hooker costume is really going to pay for itself.

Do men find it emasculating when women stop for them in the cross walk? That guy sure did. Look, I only yelled nice ass because it was true.

Eh, Cheney'll be fine he's over 65 and has Medicare. Also, you can't kill the undead.

" IRISH UP MOTHER FUCKERS!" - James Joyce

Bubonic Plague had almost nothing to do with boobs. #fact.

This guy was talking about his "Man Cave" and I was like dude I have one too, it's called a vagina no need to be embarrassed about yours.

Pretending to paddle an invisable canoe at my desk. It's called work people.

Putting my foot down, or up someones ass. These are the choices for today.

The bathroom cleaners switched from blue toilet cleaner to red, it's festive!

OH GOD I HOPE I'M NOT PISSING BLOOD.

"What's happening?" When did Twitter turn from polite stalker, to the sleaze who seemingly intends to date rape you in his van out back.

If someone says, I like you it's not personal, it's just business. That's just the gangster way of saying I’m going to fuck you, right?

Feeding myself cheese as indicated by the care instructuons I came with.

Eating some cheese, and probably a little saran wrap in the dark in the kitchen.