Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I hope my dead family dog knows I'm honoring him by having him as my security question for everything.
Hey ladies, Want a man to love you? Just be a bowl of cereal.
Another day of trying to casually work into conversation that time I bowled a turkey.
With anyone eating an apple, I feel like there's always a hint of "Woo look at me, I'm eating an apple. I'm like that."
Saw a gaggle of broads in matching cocktail dresses and got a headache thinking of the string of emails it took to orchestrate that.
I'll dance with your weird uncle. I, myself am a weird uncle at heart.
With curlers in my hair, I yelled at an article I'm reading "Fuck YEAH dump his ass!" Cause I'm a sassy 90s sitcom supporting character.
I like to sign professional emails with:
haha no biggie I'm on drugs big time,
Of course someone named Terri went out playing darts last night.
I'm a paranoid narcissist misanthropist "This whole thing is an elaborate ruse cooked up by these stupid assholes just to humiliate me."
I don't know how to give guys "Sexy eyes." The closest I get is get-rid-of-that-goatee-and-we'll-talk-about-it eyes.
I can sense the bartender feels sorry for me for drinking alone. Don't. I've worked very hard to isolate myself.
It's weird how I turn into an oppressed black woman in the 70s when I listen to Marvin Gaye.
Get 11 seconds into the movie. Pause. Snack break.
The kind of girls who are good at conversation at baby showers, are bad at conversation everywhere else.
The waiter is so cute, I HOPE he dipped his dick in my drink.
Take it from the girl next to me in this barroom. iif you can't be smart, kind, funny, or interesting - be shrill and wear a sundress.
Up at 4 AM thinking about Alf. Would he cause me allergies? Probably.
Thigh high stockings: Because you'll be having a serious discussion, and you need him to see things your way.
A friend is someone you elbow in the ribs on your way out of the party and ask "Was I weird?"