I hope my dead family dog knows I'm honoring him by having him as my security question for everything.

Hey ladies, Want a man to love you? Just be a bowl of cereal.

Another day of trying to casually work into conversation that time I bowled a turkey.

With anyone eating an apple, I feel like there's always a hint of "Woo look at me, I'm eating an apple. I'm like that."

Saw a gaggle of broads in matching cocktail dresses and got a headache thinking of the string of emails it took to orchestrate that.

I'll dance with your weird uncle. I, myself am a weird uncle at heart.

With curlers in my hair, I yelled at an article I'm reading "Fuck YEAH dump his ass!" Cause I'm a sassy 90s sitcom supporting character.

I like to sign professional emails with:
haha no biggie I'm on drugs big time,
Cassie

Of course someone named Terri went out playing darts last night.

I'm a paranoid narcissist misanthropist "This whole thing is an elaborate ruse cooked up by these stupid assholes just to humiliate me."

I don't know how to give guys "Sexy eyes." The closest I get is get-rid-of-that-goatee-and-we'll-talk-about-it eyes.

I can sense the bartender feels sorry for me for drinking alone. Don't. I've worked very hard to isolate myself.

It's weird how I turn into an oppressed black woman in the 70s when I listen to Marvin Gaye.

Get 11 seconds into the movie. Pause. Snack break.

The waiter is so cute, I HOPE he dipped his dick in my drink.

The kind of girls who are good at conversation at baby showers, are bad at conversation everywhere else.

Up at 4 AM thinking about Alf. Would he cause me allergies? Probably.

Thigh high stockings: Because you'll be having a serious discussion, and you need him to see things your way.

A friend is someone you elbow in the ribs on your way out of the party and ask "Was I weird?"

I am presently alone at a goth bar eating tater-tots and drinking PBR with a napkin in my lap like the Queen of WTF town.