If anybody wanted to know how I truly feel about something, ask me when I'm drunk. I'll break your fucking heart with absolutely no remorse.

Do deaf people know how to suppress their farts?

Being married has really put a damper on my sex life. I used to be so SEXY. Sometimes I just want to be objectified.

Why do I always want the ones who I know are gonna end up strangling me in the back of a Chevy?

You look enough like my ex to get fucked and never called again.

I love you, but not 'head in the freezer' love you. I have an imported antelope roast in there, so its the wood chipper for you. Sorry.

What's up with people who don't want @'s to their tweets? Do you guys not get the definition of 'social' media? I'm here to interact.

October is here, and you know what that means, guys! Dig those graves now before the ground freezes, or you'll regret it later.

I hate people who say 'we' need to do something, when they really mean 'you' need to do something while I sit on my fat, lazy ass.

Ok, ok, I'm just gonna follow your twittercrush, since you're retweeting his entire TL into mine anyway.

I miss the good old days, when guys were gentleman enough to pull your pants back up after drugging and date raping you. Guys are dicks now.

Wearing a hi low dress is like a superhero cape for my pussy.

Please tweet more about the sacrifices you've made and the necessities you've skipped to afford the iPhone5, so I'll know who the sheep are.

Is it wrong that I only want to fuck people I'm not supposed to want? I'm an obstinate brat, even as an adult.

Can you smoke the yellow 'Warning' paper that reminds you to buy more rolling papers? (I already did)

If Xanax is a unicorn, then Vicodin is Lumpy Space Princess. Ehrmagerd, mehr nehrk ehrches.

I wonder if guys who kill their wives regret it later when they realize they have no one to keep the kids while they go trolling for chicks?

What are the other 2 lists you added me to?!? I'm dying to know! Is it 'Kill'? 'Boobies'? 'Smother in Gravy' WHAT. ARE. THEY. AHHHG

If you tweet Christian shit on Sundays, I'm unfollowing you. Cuz fuck that shit.

I turned down head from a chick with braces when she mentioned that she knew how to "use them". That, and she was fugly.