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  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    They write 'Dictionary' on the cover but don't define it until they reach the D's. Took me three chapters to work out what was going on.

    • 94
    • FAVS
    ms_willowJackEH2112craigrotherynicehandwritingsleepwalkingdogBenedict_FarsejadiekoJosh_Blackman
    • 191
    • RETWEETS
    ms_willowIanRCloseBenedict_Farsecharliemethvenrachel_ikrRhysAgainstTeaAndCopyNaturalismus
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Telegraph's obituary: "Amy Winehouse’s music was always less interesting than her chaotic off-stage life." Hey, Telegraph! Go fuck yourself.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    Benedict_Farsebluedoughboy______hairyeggjiminkendal
    • 231
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_Farsenessapereirastomtomalinatelier2veulesKirstyHigginsonjudithkinghorndandychica__harlando1960__
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Knock knock
    "Who's there?"
    Doorbell salesman.
    "Come in, we have much to discuss."

    • 72
    • FAVS
    LeoBreebaartg00phycraigrotherynicehandwritinggnatthepunningmanCennyddJoeTheDough
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    maddatyowallshockraeJonnybeagIanRCloseliamwaterlooBenedict_Farse_Enanem_TomFoolery52
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Hotel in Preston refused to refund my mate after he cancelled due to illness. Any homeless people in Preston need a place to crash tonight?

    • 6
    • FAVS
    thetearoomsClosetReclusejeff2869toptweetstop_tw_funnylintably
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    Roadersb1akeAfatnougatdani_beckettMissus_CavalierWorneDoggTitWWBKMaxx
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "Could you show us where he touched you."
    *Child points to heart*
    "Aww."

    • 37
    • FAVS
    sleepwalkingdogBenedict_FarseTurlough7sixthformpoetTheNewsAtGlennwill73carrozoFurryCanary
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_FarseTurlough7will73CarlJSorheimnlk280DavieLegend_Enanem_FurryCanary
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "And I'd have gotten away with it too if not for you stupid FUCKS." My audition for Scooby Doo villain was dismissed as 'over-invested.'

    • 32
    • FAVS
    cutebabenatalienicehandwritingthepunningmanBenedict_FarsejahnavicarambaJohnathan404sixthformpoetTheNewsAtGlenn
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    bigmatt1970nicolasjsmithIanRCloseBenedict_FarseFallibleBabbleSihophoneRaymondoBroonshazwaz72
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    I've just stolen the 'Placed by the Gideons' Bible and written 'Removed by the atheists' in marker on the inside of the drawer.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    palmettomudsleepwalkingdogthetearoomsI_Am_HugheskstatikSpasFantas___Trazer___________coldbrain
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_FarsesdsolleI_Am_HughesBenedictFarse____BeeestoniamrmarkreedDaviniaHamiltonshalotus__________
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    If you want to appear taller but can't find a short person, stand next to someone far away.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    chthonic_chris__pauliharmanbrk4sEmily_Long_LongonefineweaselScaryBarbaramartindlaceydustandwater
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    fatlandlord10Er0_0jellytotsrock2hewniqueQizauratobe_drodgernash0_KC
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    'Safety first.' is a great sentence because it follows its own advice.

    • 28
    • FAVS
    mrganDiversion50sleepwalkingdogBenedict_FarseHelenRoberts_7pohnicciwo0caarmr
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    waly_kSimple_Plan97Benedict_Farseharrietnash_Enanem_frezzalakevinoflincolntvBite
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Twenty-four hours hath Monday... Wednesday, Friday and Tuesday, all the rest have twenty-four.. Even Sunday which also has twenty-four.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    Benedict_FarseUpturnedBathtubJadeyPorter1JonGib64DaBeanlessMarvin100lottmadfredgertlush73
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    squellwalshBenedict_FarseenanramJadeyPorter1emmaterrestrialIzzardDaBeanlessrappers2
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Your mother is of such ill repute, she engages in conversation with those to whom she has not yet been formally introduced. #yovictorianmama

    • 11
    • FAVS
    Benedict_FarsecravenmavenblogapesgrapesRasenganODAndreajcarrCandyCountessJayElem00ApathTea
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_FarseIzzardEr0_0KLBobbinphilmythLouicidalMrsJRDchrisnoelie
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "Knock Knock"
    Who's there?
    "Police"
    Police who?
    "We have a warrant for your arrest."
    No-you have to say 'Police Something'
    "Break the door."

    • 21
    • FAVS
    Benedict_Farsejahnavicarambasixthformpoetthetearoomsmount_st_nobodySteveToyne____MrLloydSpandexmatbloke
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_FarseBubblesNbaNAnasmourn_CheriLazbotronMrsDianaWhitingOneWinkataTimejjarichardsonLRenoir
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Every year, an area the size of Wales is Wales. Stay vigilant.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    pohniccitop_tw_sciencemildlyamuseduklibbymillerDrA_GunteranxiouspotatoCRhds
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    hollye7344Bumpernosecommunity_discocolinsmithplanflintermatthewjordavashtiKake
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    I was made 'it' when I was 8 and never relayed it. I intend to tap a nurse while on my deathbed, mutter 'it' and set a new world record.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    geraintgriffithsleepwalkingdogBenedict_FarseOllymcwEmily_Long_LongfeelwelcomeCatyMawhinneydoompencils
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    DeadMeatGFslightly76Benedict_Farsesportbilly2009__williamerasmusHutchywutchPaulHewittmittuck
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    My favourite poem is still the alphabet. Poetic AND functional. Rhyming structure falls apart at the end but the G/P couplet is flawless.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    ackneyladcraigrotherysleepwalkingdogBenedict_FarsesmuraikhiTGWKEStephenBowles1richspink
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_FarsesmuraikhiMemhasagunatumiiTGWKEmikeyaquaCinnamon_graemeVisibleOtter
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    When I die, I plan to leave my entire bank account to the first medium that contacts me to ask for the password.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    Benedict_FarseBeccaFarkasThe_HedgehogsKim_PhilbythetearoomsClosetReclusestewspursRobKH
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    TheSimonEvansBenedict_FarseBeccaFarkascocopopscholetmtgillespieAnotherFineDDaymaegenidwityrDigitalGriffin__
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Why did Mao visit Norfolk? Because Norwich is power.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    Benedict_FarsethetearoomsSteveToyne____AlexDHoylenoodlemazgiles_bmatblokeVickyDuncalf
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_FarsemuteboyMrMarkSaxbymax1018pingulettezimbugelAusMossyjkneale__
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Supermarket, man with barcode tattoo on his hand being repeatedly mis-identified as tapenade by self service machines.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    Benedict_FarseDribblebootBenVanDerVeldegubbinsgubbins____caarmrSerialFuckupcrankfetter______SgtButtCheeks
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    Benedict_Farsefifiwhimsyfnyff__pndcraudssusSubvilleCurlyHooliganhppycoder
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "Anything to do with impaling, really." - Vlad on career day.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    pohniccitinytawnykittencommondave__MagentaTPPirateDuzzo
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    _Enanem_Breadbin73freshxprincesstickmcRogue__LynnOtagoRiles65Vezzy_T
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Roman numerals? Not on my watch.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    thetearoomsSteveToyne____missingblakesdreegsjennyvsjennyStillDullmacraelBECKintl__________
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    primevalmuddSara_PowelllifetraineeAvgFilmReviewsTomBloodyMyersPRAVDApressroomrobinsibleyfavstar_pop
@DomDoze

@DomDoze

Seeing-eye man for blind dogs.