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  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    They write 'Dictionary' on the cover but don't define it until they reach the D's. Took me three chapters to work out what was going on.

    • 80
    • FAVS
    jadiekoJosh_Blackmanmyaccentisweirddavecurtis2007taubenartigerinI_am_LukemcharliemethvenMr_Grumble
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    charliemethvenrachel_ikrRhysAgainstTeaAndCopyNaturalismusmourn_CherimaijasmumblingsAshleyKitchin
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Telegraph's obituary: "Amy Winehouse’s music was always less interesting than her chaotic off-stage life." Hey, Telegraph! Go fuck yourself.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    bluedoughboy______hairyeggjiminkendal
    • 230
    • RETWEETS
    nessapereirastomtomalinatelier2veulesKirstyHigginsonjudithkinghorndandychicaharlando1960christopherpym
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Hotel in Preston refused to refund my mate after he cancelled due to illness. Any homeless people in Preston need a place to crash tonight?

    • 6
    • FAVS
    thetearoomsClosetReclusejeff2869toptweetstop_tw_funnylintably
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    Roadersb1akeAfatnougatdani_beckettMissus_CavalierWorneDoggTitWWBKMaxx
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Knock knock
    "Who's there?"
    Doorbell salesman.
    "Come in, we have much to discuss."

    • 35
    • FAVS
    ben_csixthformpoetTheNewsAtGlennjamiebollandHotDonkeyBearjosburton__SybilArtStevenJMcnulty
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    _Enanem_TomFoolery52lucindalocket26davidmcculloch8Staff_says2mrcottonsoxWKWilliamsTeaAndCopy
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "Could you show us where he touched you."
    *Child points to heart*
    "Aww."

    • 31
    • FAVS
    Turlough7sixthformpoetTheNewsAtGlennwill73carrozoFurryCanaryalexmugnlk280
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    Turlough7will73CarlJSorheimnlk280DavieLegend_Enanem_FurryCanaryirishDocers
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    I've just stolen the 'Placed by the Gideons' Bible and written 'Removed by the atheists' in marker on the inside of the drawer.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    thetearoomsI_Am_HugheskstatikSpasFantas_Trazer___________coldbrainDr_DebGvegygirl
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    sdsolleI_Am_HughesBenedictFarse____BeeestoniamrmarkreedDaviniaHamiltonshalotus__________GEFerret
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "And I'd have gotten away with it too if not for you stupid FUCKS." My audition for Scooby Doo villain was dismissed as 'over-invested.'

    • 22
    • FAVS
    jahnavicarambaJohnathan404sixthformpoetTheNewsAtGlennrawlesSmitteytiggyashalexpanda03
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    FallibleBabbleSihophoneRaymondoBroonshazwaz72yeehawfaroutnarellebaconfrostingo_Omahaill
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    If you want to appear taller but can't find a short person, stand next to someone far away.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    chthonic_chrispauliharmanbrk4sEmily_Long_LongonefineweaselScaryBarbaramartindlaceydustandwater
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    fatlandlord10Er0_0jellytotsrock2hewniqueQizauratobe_drodgernash0_KC
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Your mother is of such ill repute, she engages in conversation with those to whom she has not yet been formally introduced. #yovictorianmama

    • 10
    • FAVS
    cravenmavenblogapesgrapesRasenganODAndreajcarrCandyCountessJayElem00ApathTeaGirrity93
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    IzzardEr0_0KLBobbinphilmythLouicidalJennyRhiannonchrisnoelieRasenganOD
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Every year, an area the size of Wales is Wales. Stay vigilant.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    pohniccitop_tw_sciencemildlyamuseduklibbymillerDrA_GunteranxiouspotatoCRhds
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    hollye7344Bumpernosecommunity_discocolinsmithplanflintermatthewjordavashtiKake
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "Knock Knock"
    Who's there?
    "Police"
    Police who?
    "We have a warrant for your arrest."
    No-you have to say 'Police Something'
    "Break the door."

    • 20
    • FAVS
    jahnavicarambasixthformpoetthetearoomsmount_st_nobodySteveToyne____MrLloydSpandexmatblokeThe96thIdiot
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    BubblesNbaNAnasmourn_CheriLazbotronMrsDianaWhitingOneWinkataTimejjarichardsonLRenoirSteveTurn3r
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Twenty-four hours hath Monday... Wednesday, Friday and Tuesday, all the rest have twenty-four.. Even Sunday which also has twenty-four.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    UpturnedBathtubJadeyPorter1JonGib64DaBeanlessMarvin100lottmadfredgertlush73caarmr
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    enanramJadeyPorter1emmaterrestrialIzzardDaBeanlessrappers2Marvin100thewithy
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    'Safety first.' is a great sentence because it follows its own advice.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    HelenRoberts_7pohnicciwo0caarmremmaofdreamserintunney________YesSteph_MsFrankieB
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    harrietnash_Enanem_frezzalakevinoflincolntvBiterozbabesgandbwinesdayusz
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    I was made 'it' when I was 8 and never relayed it. I intend to tap a nurse while on my deathbed, mutter 'it' and set a new world record.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    OllymcwEmily_Long_LongfeelwelcomeCatyMawhinneydoompencilsglosswitchBenedictFarse____apesgrapes
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    sportbilly2009williamerasmusHutchywutchPaulHewittmittuck_Enanem_RuthB1__RichardTheBurns
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    When I die, I plan to leave my entire bank account to the first medium that contacts me to ask for the password.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    BeccaFarkasThe_HedgehogsKim_PhilbythetearoomsClosetReclusestewspursRobKHCh8rming
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    BeccaFarkascocopopscholetmtgillespieAnotherFineDDaymaegenidwityrDigitalGriffin__Carl_oTheDjRealDylanBlack
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    My favourite poem is still the alphabet. Poetic AND functional. Rhyming structure falls apart at the end but the G/P couplet is flawless.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    smuraikhiTGWKEStephenBowles1richspinksatalbotHuffPostUKComCiaranM87jerrystandup
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    smuraikhiMemhasagunatumiiTGWKEmikeyaquaCinnamon_graemeVisibleOtterJilloxJill
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Why did Mao visit Norfolk? Because Norwich is power.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    thetearoomsSteveToyne____AlexDHoylenoodlemazgiles_bmatblokeVickyDuncalf
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    muteboyMrMarkSaxbymax1018pingulettezimbugelAusMossyjknealewriterJames
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    "Anything to do with impaling, really." - Vlad on career day.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    pohniccitinytawnykittencommondave__MagentaTPPirateDuzzo
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    _Enanem_Breadbin73freshxprincesstickmcRogue__LynnOtagoRiles65Vezzy_T
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Roman numerals? Not on my watch.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    thetearoomsSteveToyne____missingblakesdreegsjennyvsjennyStillDullmacraelBECKintl__________
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    primevalmuddSara_PowelllifetraineeAvgFilmReviewsTomBloodyMyersPRAVDApressroomrobinsibleyfavstar_pop
  • DomDoze
      Dom Doze @DomDoze

    Supermarket, man with barcode tattoo on his hand being repeatedly mis-identified as tapenade by self service machines.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    DribblebootBenVanDerVeldegubbinsgubbins____caarmrSerialFuckupcrankfetter______SgtButtCheekshoopahoep
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    fifiwhimsyfnyffpndcraudssusSubvilleCurlyHooliganhppycoderHemeloid
@DomDoze

@DomDoze

Seeing-eye man for blind dogs.