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Telegraph's obituary: "Amy Winehouse’s music was always less interesting than her chaotic off-stage life." Hey, Telegraph! Go fuck yourself.
They write 'Dictionary' on the cover but don't define it until they reach the D's. Took me three chapters to work out what was going on.
Hotel in Preston refused to refund my mate after he cancelled due to illness. Any homeless people in Preston need a place to crash tonight?
"Come in, we have much to discuss."
"Could you show us where he touched you."
*Child points to heart*
I've just stolen the 'Placed by the Gideons' Bible and written 'Removed by the atheists' in marker on the inside of the drawer.
"And I'd have gotten away with it too if not for you stupid FUCKS." My audition for Scooby Doo villain was dismissed as 'over-invested.'
If you want to appear taller but can't find a short person, stand next to someone far away.
Your mother is of such ill repute, she engages in conversation with those to whom she has not yet been formally introduced. #yovictorianmama
Every year, an area the size of Wales is Wales. Stay vigilant.
"We have a warrant for your arrest."
No-you have to say 'Police Something'
"Break the door."
Twenty-four hours hath Monday... Wednesday, Friday and Tuesday, all the rest have twenty-four.. Even Sunday which also has twenty-four.
'Safety first.' is a great sentence because it follows its own advice.
I was made 'it' when I was 8 and never relayed it. I intend to tap a nurse while on my deathbed, mutter 'it' and set a new world record.
When I die, I plan to leave my entire bank account to the first medium that contacts me to ask for the password.
My favourite poem is still the alphabet. Poetic AND functional. Rhyming structure falls apart at the end but the G/P couplet is flawless.
Why did Mao visit Norfolk? Because Norwich is power.
"Anything to do with impaling, really." - Vlad on career day.
Roman numerals? Not on my watch.
Supermarket, man with barcode tattoo on his hand being repeatedly mis-identified as tapenade by self service machines.