Called the rape helpline last night. Apparently it's only for victims.

Take two of these and forget all about me in the morning.

Fuck yeah! My blow up doll just arrived in the mail!! In other news, I've changed my FB status to "it's complicated".

#ff @ehhbartt! Funny Canadian bitch! Can't have too many of those in your twitter feed.

How many calories are in edible panties?

I'm beginning to think Axe body spray was made by women to help identify douchebags.

With phone on vibrate, send text, place phone under balls and wait for response. #PricelessThingsIEnjoy

I'd say heaven must be missing an angel, but I'm hoping you're a slut.

Bukkake is not a vegetable. #amateur!

@shawngarrett Raping boxes is not easy. Also have to remember to hide all the evidence.

I'm no weatherman, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

I really gotta get this Pussy Pwednesday thing to start trending. Ladies feel free to upload pics.

The difference between your penis and your bonus is your wife will blow your bonus. Everytime.

I don't always masturbate to porn.

Sometimes I masturbate to your Facebook page.

Don't blame me, I voted for the other guy.

Free Hugs!*




*warning: may contain awkward boner.

In high school, I got straight A's for spelling "boobies" on calculators

@hormonella a liver massage with a happy ending...

Overstimulated & underfucked. #storyofmylife

My stomach is upset. I think it was because of the expired milf I had last night.