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For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids
Hey McDonald's commercials, why can't black and white people eat your food at the same time?
I would play "words with friends" if it was called "cocaine by myself."
Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my genitals.
A girl and her friend walk into a bar. I fucked the fat one.
I call animal control 3 times a week, show them my dog and say,”you can’t even control how cute he is, can you?”
I find my glasses by walking around until I hear a crunch.
This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.
I like watching porn in slow motion, but don't tell anyone, I'm a closet slowmosexual.
"I love your cock because it's so easy to deep throat" isn't the best compliment I've received.
If I managed to get 8 hours of sleep one night, I could probably start moving shit with my mind.
My in-laws invited me to dinner, but I'm already made plans to pass a pinecone through my dick hole tonight, so I can't go.
I saw a guy with two penises last night. They might have been photoshopped, but they definitely tasted real.
I would NEVER fuck a girl in a wheelchair. She would be too hard to hide if my wife came home.
There's a great big novel in all of us, just waiting to be written. Mine's probably a bible hollowed out with a flask of patron in it.
Hey babe, I’ve been doin’ some thinking and…let’s just get back together and straight up kill each other this time.
Just one more hour + 25 years until I'm done with work.
People unfollow me b/c of smelling mistakes, clearly.
I can't tell if my neighbor's music is hip hop or Indy, so I don't know which way to hate them.
There's pretty much no going back once you've combined Booberry and Frankenberry into the same bowl.