For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids

Hey McDonald's commercials, why can't black and white people eat your food at the same time?

I would play "words with friends" if it was called "cocaine by myself."

Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my genitals.

A girl and her friend walk into a bar. I fucked the fat one.

I call animal control 3 times a week, show them my dog and say,”you can’t even control how cute he is, can you?”

I find my glasses by walking around until I hear a crunch.

I like watching porn in slow motion, but don't tell anyone, I'm a closet slowmosexual.

This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.

"I love your cock because it's so easy to deep throat" isn't the best compliment I've received.

If I managed to get 8 hours of sleep one night, I could probably start moving shit with my mind.

My in-laws invited me to dinner, but I'm already made plans to pass a pinecone through my dick hole tonight, so I can't go.

I saw a guy with two penises last night. They might have been photoshopped, but they definitely tasted real.

I would NEVER fuck a girl in a wheelchair. She would be too hard to hide if my wife came home.

There's a great big novel in all of us, just waiting to be written. Mine's probably a bible hollowed out with a flask of patron in it.

Hey babe, I’ve been doin’ some thinking and…let’s just get back together and straight up kill each other this time.

People unfollow me b/c of smelling mistakes, clearly.

Just one more hour + 25 years until I'm done with work.

I can't tell if my neighbor's music is hip hop or Indy, so I don't know which way to hate them.

There's pretty much no going back once you've combined Booberry and Frankenberry into the same bowl.