I'm following your mother's tweets.

my sis's special needs group is throwin her a 24th bday party tonight so shes been wearing a plastic tiara for 3 days smh what a turd

#DescribeYourselfInFiveWordsOrLess Half-Man, Half-Machine, bro

Hi gravity colt 45s are great for when you only have $5 and need to get obliterated to the point of kicking in acid flashbacks from the 80s.

Sometimes I wonder if my cleaning lady is only doing her job for the money

"I WOULD LIKE ONE TATTOO SHOW FOR EVERY PIECE OF SAND ON THE BEACH!" ~ Network executives

I find Ho's get madder when I don't pay them actually.

I think the key to Twitter is being utterly boring in real life or being a completely deranged loon.

Ho’s get sooooo mad when you don’t want to fuck them. There there, ho's :(

Man, never being positive again in a tweet.

oh you're engaged that's cool last night my vibrator died while it was inside me

I really enjoy reading your broken heart tweets when I know the guy you're subtweeting has a merry go round of twitter ass. I'll never tell.

You know who can't hug, you guys? My Dad. He's never coming back, you guys.

That last fart was an out of body experience.

Johnny Appleseed was a homo, plant a steak faggot.

I just told my little brother to follow a few of you guys. Please don't embarrass me, ok.

Yawning is so rude, especially when it's a vagina

Fun game!

Let’s tweet the stupidest things we can think of. Your turn. I’ve already gone a few times.

Headed in to the bathroom to take a 90min "Daddy Dump".

Zebras can't hug, you guys. And that's what gets me through, you guys.