Your grandma made that blow job all about her.

I find my glasses by walking around until I hear a crunch.

For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids

I keep a few cans of Coke Zero around incase a crazy bitch sleeps over.

Step 1: Have fun in the sun!
Step 2: Buckle your shoe!
Step 3: Kill yourself for doing shit that rhymes.

I sometimes I think I’m bipolar and then other times I run down the street naked singing show tunes.

I would play "words with friends" if it was called "cocaine by myself."

I’d love to be a beaver because I’ve always wanted to be able to snack on my house.

Hey McDonald's commercials, why can't black and white people eat your food at the same time?

Should I be worried if my asshole smells like fingers?

My dad had this saying, “can I borrow your Vaseline?”

I can hear my dick hole sigh when I take it out to jerk off.

The back of my g-string smells like the outhouse at an Indian family reunion.

I call animal control 3 times a week, show them my dog and say,”you can’t even control how cute he is, can you?”

Hitler never would have gone through with the holocaust if he knew it would result in that Tom Cruise film.

A parrot walks into a bar, the bartender asks what he wants to drink, he asks the bartender what he wants to drink.

Die Hard 6: Die Choking on Cornbread in a Nursing Home.

Condoms are for the birds.
*straps on condom, fucks pidgeon*

I texted a girl I like to tell her about the potential pimple growing on my nose because I’m honestly a great guy.

My left nipple hurts more than the right one but only because my chipmunk baby sucks on that one.