Compared to my ex..this cup of coffee has only burned me once and has no problem keeping me up

My 14 yr old sister is on Twitter. And she's following me. Thats more uncomfortable than this edible thong I'm wearing

Most dudes say "I'll fuck any chick that has a heartbeat"....I'm not that picky

I cant wait to get married. Not for the love. I've got a shit load of Mother in-law jokes

I liked it so I put a ring on it. And by "it" I mean my cock. And by "ring" I mean this glazed donut
l

I play dumb so women would take advantage of me and use me for sex. It always works!


Minus the sex part

Two things you can look forward to while having sex with me:
1)lots of crying.
2)Asking to be held afterwards.



Both will be done by me

Smartphone? HA! If my phone was SOO smart..it would self-install a breathalyzer to prevent me from drunk texting my mom

When I broke up with my ex she said: "this is all to much to swallow". Sigh....What's new?

If I offend anyone on Twitter, I apologize

For you not being able to take jokes about boobs, farts, blowjobs and my lack of sex.

Dickhead

What? Of course I'm listening to you.

I'm just thinking of how to write this, so people on Twitter can know how stupid you are

Carry on

If you have nothing nice to say...


Post it on Twitter so we can all laugh!

I'm glad I can't follow myself on Twitter, because quite frankly, I'm getting sick of my shit.

Being up this early NOT coming out of a brothel...just feels weird

I dreamt I was a slave locked in a dungeon. Now I know how Katie Holmes feels

People who put me on their lists but don't follow me...It's like having sex with me but not letting me sleep over.

And thats fine with me

You think its hard out here for a pimp? What about that Flamingo that had to die for the pimps Coat?

When I ask for advice, What I really mean is

"Tell me what I wanna hear or shut the fuck up. Thanks."

IF I HEAR ONE MORE CHRISTMAS SONG

I'm going to log onto Twitter & complain about how much I hate Christmas music, in 140 characters or less

I'm gonna place my bacon strip between your hot cakes.

Shh...Just let it happen