Does a rape whistle sound any different from a regular whistle? Ive got a whistle and I wouldnt want to confuse anyone.

Thanks to Twitter, any work task that would have usually taken me 15 minutes now takes 30 to 48 hours.

Pick-up lines that would probably work on me:
1. I like cats.
2. I like people that like cats.
3. I like you.
4. Hi.

"You dumb, stupid, useless broken ankle!" - Insult to injury

I never seem to not give direct eye-contact with strangers from the gap between bathroom stalls.

Whatever, sizzling food from the microwave that still has cold spots, whatever.

You're sitting across from me, your phone rings, you answer, I mouth the words "who is it," we've never met before.

If you've never pushed every square inch area of your walls at home, then you'll never know for sure if you have any hidden doors.

Maybe she's not a slut, maybe she's just 0 for 800 in finding the perfect sized penis?

False alarm guys, I'm not growing wings. Turns out those are just my shoulder blades.

I wish my neighbors were generous billionaires instead of assholes- NO wait! I wish I was a billionaire! Phew almost wasted one of my wishes

Don't walk away too fast guy without a shirt, I havent finished reading your tattoo or checking out your body or imagining our life together

"Butt, butt, butt, BUTT-COCK!" - Pervy Rooster

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me with Anne Hathaway I'd be like "That's awesome I have a boyfriend!"

On my way to get some water and my cat came out of nowhere and attacked the hell out of my ankles. I get it now Gazelles, I get it now.

Woa, woa, woa, We'll get back to the fiscal cliff in a moment, I've just been informed that squirrels can purr. SQUIRRELS CAN PURR.

I used to think my uncle was on drugs after he took a shit in the living room and inside a dresser, then I realized he was just an asshole.

My cat licked the top corner of my forehead... So now I don't have to shower today.

I rarely give eye-contact. I dont know what half my relatives look like but I can give you an exact detailed description of their feet.

Research (I made up) indicates road rage is directly linked to drivers who were always "duck" and never "goose" as children. #duckduckGOOSE