Old dude sitting by the side of the road on a plastic chair yelling at traffic.....someone get that motherfucker a Twitter account!

I got my mind on my money and my money.....between this dancers tits..

And why does Heaven have 'gates'? ... really? It's a gated community? This idea was absolutely dreamed up by Republicans wasn't it?

I unfollowed you from my toilet... sorry if that makes it worse.

I may be jerking off into a sock.....but it's a Ralph Lauren sock... so.....I'm pretty sure that makes me cool.

I HAVE A LIFE COACH FOLLOWING ME!!! I HAVE A LIFE COACH FOLLOWING ME!!! HE WEARS A SUIT!! I HAVE A GUY WHO WEARS A SUIT FOLLOWING ME! YAAA!!

Imagine how unbelievably slutty girls would dress for Halloween if it happened in the middle of Summer, who do we talk to about moving that?

We were going to have soup for dinner..... but then opted for pizza instead..... cause, you know... fuck soup.

Her: Don't drink all the beer, save some for tomorrow. Me: I'm pretty sure the store is saving some for tomorrow, so... No.

It's funny cause ████████ ██████ ██████████ ██ ████ ██ ████ China #FactsWithoutWikipedia #SOPA #PIPA

I LOST followers on #FF. Is that even allowed?

Congrats on your 0★ tweet!

Fuck me! Did you guys know there are real live celebrities on here!?

Ha! ... you girls think mornings come quickly ... you should get a load of me... ... wait...what?

Archbishop Rowan rips on Conservative government. Crazy shit when a guy who wears a dress and has an imaginary friend is the voice of reason

Kim Kardashian: Worlds most expensive diamond encrusted cum bucket .... #replacemovienameswithbacon

My spirit animal is an empty liquor bottle...

I'm genuinely baffled when I get stars from people who don't follow. None of my Tweets are ever re-tweeted.....how? How? HOW?...

Father in Law broke a tube of Super Glue in his pocket today and now his keys are stuck in his jeans. Not even fucking kidding about this.

Vodka in pancakes with vodka...