Numbers don't lie unless it's a number given to me by a single woman.

I wanted to write a joke about incest but when I started to look at the pictures of my followers I thought it might hit too close to home.

Twitter where introverted people pretend to be extroverts.

I have 200 "Followers" but something is suspicious because I can only get maybe 4 or 5 of them to favorite any one tweet at a time.

Spooning in bed seemed really cool until I found out it was not banging spoons together like musical instruments.

Kids pretend to be adults and so do adults.

Meditation is for people who over think napping.

Got myself some Air Jordans. Those bastards at my twenty year reunion are going to have to finally give me some mad props.

When I make love to my wife I say "Who's your daddy?" and she starts to cry because she was an orphan and doesn't know who her father was.

I used to be disappointed by the content of twitter but that was before I knew it was the thinking persons Special Olympics.

My grandpa is always having really interesting conversations on his phone. I don't have the heart to tell him he's holding a banana.

My Wife: "Does this make me look fat? Does this make me look like a slut?" Me:"Does this make me look gay? Does this make me look rapey?"

Truth is a man covered in human feces who drives a nice car and has a mansion will get way more ladies then a man who uses Axe body wash.

Most of the people who RT me are probably being ironic.

I am not exactly a necrophiliac but I have made love to my wife early in the morning before she put her makeup on.

I think of the zombie apocalypse every time I watch my wife eat ribs.

Teachers can manipulate little kids really easy. All they have to do is put a star on their work and they are all happy. Just like Twitter.

I had one good tweet a few days ago, now I'm just chasing the dragon.

I am going to visualize my ideal self, and then drag him behind my car on my way to work.

I know dudes that are just as evil as Hitler, but everytime they start a project they get distracted by a rerun of the UFC on Spike TV.