We thought about going to China to get a baby, but decided to wait until they start selling them at Walmart.

Everyone needs a vice, I just wish mine wasn't peeing on other peoples dogs.

I think Dan Browns next book should be about how Jesus was a 300 pound woman, because everyone says he had a great personality.

I just read about a small dog that got eaten by coyotes, his name was Chewy.

You might be white trash if your firstborn sons name is Dimebag.

A nice thing to say to a teenage girl is: if acne produced oil Dick Cheney would invade your face.

Men with pony tails get nervous in scissor stores.

I am deniably talented.

I wish unicorns were real because I don't like horses and I'm tired of seeing rhinos getting killed.

The ones that hurt me: Santa Claus, George Lucas, Rap music, twitter.

I wish I could live forever, so I can see how long it takes for the trash in my yard to decompose.

I wish Kurt Cobains parents had stayed together, maybe the nineties wouldn't have been so whiney.

I wish haters didn't make so many salient points.

You might be able to kick my ass but I will make you feel guilty about it, because when it comes to passive aggression, I'm Muhammad Ali.

If you describe yourself as a humorist in your Bio, and you die in a plane crash, you probably deserved it.

Marriage is being able to love someone even after you've seen their hemroided asshole.

For a few brief moments, I thought I was watching a Seinfeld episode, that I hadn't seen before.

I guess now I'm one of those morons that watches Big Bang Theory.

The phone book is an antiquated book that has been around for a long time; lets use it as the basis for our religion.

I never considered cutting off my penis until Joe Rogan mentioned transgenders might be able to beat the hell out of women in the UFC.