@neiltyson @marscuriosity Well, at least it's not Chick-fil-A.

@pattonoswalt While Ted Nugent was still on the shitter. #lastlinesofhorrifyinglimericks

@pattonoswalt But his daughters all died from ebola. #lastlinesofhorrifyinglimericks

@shittingtonuk It's about two and a half hours, including trailers.

Somewhere in Louisiana, Bobby Jindal is pounding on the arm of his chair, going "GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT!"

@mandopony @therealsibsy cleans her Subaru's tires with the toupees of deceased Corolla drivers. #SabbyFacts

@marlomeekins Easy for you to say.

Anonymous 1 Westboro Baptist Church 0  http://www.armywtfmoments.com/leaked-wbc-personal-contact-information …

@tarastrong @iamcreesummer @yakkopinky @mauricelamarche @phillamarr It was a hilarious session. A pleasure to hear all of you work together.

@nprnews Romney couldn't woo Latinos if he put on a dress and offered blowjobs in East L.A.

@pattonoswalt @frankrichny Now if they'd achieve Kurt Cobain levels of despair, we'd all be better off.

@therealsibsy @iron_spike @ojessicanigri @marlomeekins @henriekeg @hkluterman @jillcostumes #Mention20CutePeopleOnTwitter

You're inside a Waffle House in Alabama. There is a picture of Wilford Brimley on the syrup dispenser. Do you use it? #VoightKampff

@oatmeal @moniguzman As I've said before, Carreon is about to go Ocean Marketing on us.

I'd like Glenn Beck to name a search engine that _won't_ point out what a complete nutjob he is. #Tweetthepress

WAIT! I NEED TO RELOAD! #badactionherodialogue

@tarastrong I was just on Cheezburgr, so I was inspired: pic.twitter.com/fk64Vp5M1X

@therealsibsy Pepe always did have a flair for the dramatic.

@marlomeekins Yay! Welcome back!

@marlomeekins Available at Ralphs!