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How do I delete this shitty app that lets people call me?
Porn would be so much more realistic if they put a dog or cat in the background just staring at the actors intently.
You can’t prove dinosaurs didn’t all die from sadness.
'OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! WHO THE FUCK PISSED HERE? OMG OMG OMG!' -my dog every four steps on a walk
It's like this cop doesn't even care that I have a cape on.
‘Dry those pussies, ladies. I’m just here for a sandwich.’ -How I order at Subway
If you're waiting on me to 'get ready' I'm probably just spending 20 minutes trying to get my hoodie strings the same length.
No I don't want to hold your fucking baby. You had it, you hold it.
I just checked Facebook. There's still a bunch of babies and bible quotes. Oh, and this one guy baked a pie.
I can't believe women are just allowed to walk around and make decisions and shit.
Hey guys driving old cop cars, you owe me like 80 half joints.
I never kiss and tell. My uncle was always very strict about that.
My sense of direction is terrible. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
My TV screen just went black.
I hope that old saying isn't true.
Can you overdose on Plan B? Asking because I'm making this girl breakfast.
If you're telling me a story and I say 'Oh, really?', I probably stopped listening around the beginning.
Math quiz: if a jet traveling 867mph carrying One Direction crashed into a jet going 956mph carrying Justin Bieber, how cool would that be?
I don't think this LSD is working, so I'm just going to tell all these dinosaurs to get out of my backyard.
The best way to drink 5-hour Energy is to throw it in the trash and get some cocaine.
I saw Alan Thicke in an airport once.
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