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The "weaker sex" is the one that pays for drinks when it sees exposed skin, right?
DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
(Tin Man turns to Lion)
TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?
Ladybugs, or as I like to call them, wild m&ms.
When a guy asks if the carpet matches the drapes I say "actually it's hardwood throughout" then I show him my dick
I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.
"No. Not yesterday's mass shooting. Today's mass shooting. No, not THAT one from today. The other one."
I eat my cupcakes like it's an emergency.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"
Sometimes it's like the more I know, the more I don't want to know.
I think you're supposed to be sober when AA says to make amends with the people you hurt, Karen.
5yo: Daddy, what's a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don't have a brother!?
Hello, Poison Control? I just walked by an Abercrombie & Fitch. Is it too late for me?
Recent studies reveal that bird poop is actually brown. "They've been jerking off on us this whole time" says one scientist.
You can dip almost anything in ranch, a chip, a french fry, your crushed hopes, a chip
I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for all the comments I don't make on people's pictures
Cute pic of ur baby. How old is OMG WHO'S THE DOG IN THE BACKGROUND?! WHAT'S HIS NAME I LOVE HIM. SHOW ME PICS OF JUST THE DOG W/OUT UR BABY
*he pulls away from kissing*
"I'll be Zelda and put my master sword in-"
Are you serious right now?
Zelda's the princess. Get out.
A restraining order, but for my wife and the kitchen
Before the fight let's lay down some ground rules, no cheap shots and please don't punch me in the fanny pack I have hamsters in there
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I saw Alan Thicke in an airport once.
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