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  • behindyourback
      (maura) @behindyourback

    The "weaker sex" is the one that pays for drinks when it sees exposed skin, right?

    • 573
    • FAVS
    doomed_spice2JermHimselfishh1pp1e_SaveItForFestOutOnTheMoorsheisenbabejackblacksparrocalmdissonance
    • 203
    • RETWEETS
    SaveItForFestOutOnTheMoorstourettzgothNickciclespayne__16kaitprobablypohewdhannahhBannnana
    Doom_Jedithirstfav
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
    (Tin Man turns to Lion)
    TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?

    • 893
    • FAVS
    obligatemeLaBelleMaemassarge1squiblingimmortaljayejwoodhamshayf_DefUSK
    • 487
    • RETWEETS
    LegalDinosaurLaBelleMaeshayf_WuYorkYankeesYolandaRichard7Doom_Jedibitterlittlemaneliserose5
    13spencerDoom_JediDanKCharnley
  • weinerdog4life__
      Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life__

    Ladybugs, or as I like to call them, wild m&ms.

    • 1,260
    • FAVS
    SandDarrenronty167RobWeb79theothervoicesdshack8AMamaLlamaUncleBob56Pumpkinbabypie
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    SandDarrenDownFrontArtistAMamaLlamaPumpkinbabypieT7_S4_JM_OutcastDeeficultiGreenMonk
    Doom_Jediseanx3JermHimselfish
  • PeachCoffin
      Paige @PeachCoffin

    When a guy asks if the carpet matches the drapes I say "actually it's hardwood throughout" then I show him my dick

    • 5,463
    • FAVS
    frankie_powerskristenoylerMartinKSullivanwordsoflizdomjaceykennyellamarie1818carolinemeowzaTheWalkwardDead
    • 1,853
    • RETWEETS
    iancrossskristenoylerqueerroyaltyheaton99CFontSaysconshitiveFrrenchyySteve_Castro14
    Doom_Jedi5hael
  • AnemoneOh
      Anem @AnemoneOh

    I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

    • 1,319
    • FAVS
    dragnutCh8rmingPlaying_DadTheMichaelRock_yelrahddrwgJohnnyNopolisChipKellysBalls
    • 704
    • RETWEETS
    AaronProfumobrennadinebr0ceansddrwgAlison_wkndsmash_landingLovesLAandDogsFrauPlewka
    DanKCharnleyDanielRCarrillothetobbiestockejockshutupmikeginnDoom_JediSondraDeeMe
  • JenKirkman
      Jen Kirkman @JenKirkman

    "No. Not yesterday's mass shooting. Today's mass shooting. No, not THAT one from today. The other one."

    • 1,375
    • FAVS
    JDurunDoom_Jediplathian9cloudypianosAdam_PopovichWisenheimerJBURKE06anagramps
    • 1,754
    • RETWEETS
    JDurunDoom_Jedisonny2221LORMO3000TheCompleteJeffelectric_nomadamccaf1misslazyj
    Doom_Jedi
  • MrsJekyllsHyde
      Toots MaGoots @MrsJekyllsHyde

    I eat my cupcakes like it's an emergency.

    • 504
    • FAVS
    llvvzzrobin_991Yell317DurtMcHurttPc7918BRADMattTaylorThe_BlackBananaBensonNH
    • 308
    • RETWEETS
    DurtMcHurttMableGertrudejuneohara65vlowgoessassyassbellajoeyfullystatedcabrsmerican_ninjy
    littlemisspsunDoom_Jedi
  • Stellacopter
      denise @Stellacopter

    My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"

    • 1,840
    • FAVS
    TateRyannNoirPoetograpyImaFlyontheWallMajorzdeadnaggalieTayTayTeocrysfulmega_byte
    • 770
    • RETWEETS
    ImaFlyontheWallTayTayTeocrysfulricherdpicturesTheAlexPkrishna_vanAaronSchuitemanronbissel
    Doom_Jediiamjeffsloancollegebenpeachey_keentres_routesshatterpants______
  • LuvPug
      Bah Humpug @LuvPug

    Sometimes it's like the more I know, the more I don't want to know.

    • 766
    • FAVS
    rakhawyPavonine7sucker_punchthedomestictypeCletusHammer__ClamDiveRadioSweetieGobshite_
    • 572
    • RETWEETS
    rakhawynadamohamedmah2CletusHammer__LetmebethepearlEightinchgoatBardenMsallielectrichdaniels_00
    PeaceInTruth1d2BMcG__Doom_Jedi
  • onelongbender
      Chronically Heather @onelongbender

    I think you're supposed to be sober when AA says to make amends with the people you hurt, Karen.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    DebraMuffinNichollsTerence_The_Medusa_tsm560Curly_gurl135psychogoddessThat_Damn_DuckTlaxBoy05
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    tsm560Curly_gurl135TlaxBoy05hirojesusSouthernStylin1BlaineKyBangMyBongoEasyE_Coli
    Doom_Jedi
  • eliserose5
      Mediocre Marvel @eliserose5

    Nudity loves company.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    MissKush710The_Sculptressbrianhackney1camblairHouston_Bass5oulhealerrma_007ellejizzer
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    brianhackney1xo_Nadia215oulhealerGSHOK9pol_e_wogDadAfterDarkcamronswansonDatNolaSam
    Doom_Jedi
  • mrtruthandsoul
      twoof @mrtruthandsoul

    5yo: Daddy, what's a facial?
    Me: Your brother.
    5yo: I don't have a brother!?
    Me: Exactly!

    • 1,295
    • FAVS
    jjlob7g00phyxBeannotestacywawa1AGreaterMonsterToSassy2Ponytobulistnovicefather
    • 804
    • RETWEETS
    jeannerbeanerDavidWaddlexBeannoteScotthobson1AGreaterMonsterToSassy2PonySharNee_NaeEightTwntyEight
    Doom_Jediyasserseif__h3ll0d0llySoapyJohnsonBeardsonmegatron363TheRealAnchovyNotKevinSheedyTheGrimKing
  • SCbchbum
      Erica @SCbchbum

    Hello, Poison Control? I just walked by an Abercrombie & Fitch. Is it too late for me?

    • 108
    • FAVS
    ashleyklejnaalexdhenleyWildeThingyTheMichaelRockStumpWoodleysluckyduckynotadamspeckjeniipennii
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    theboootspauldavidcookCorinneBeloved7LinLabugKrad_xoalmoff12holyycannolirwcampbell
    Doom_Jedi
  • JermHimselfish
      Tiny Timselfish @JermHimselfish

    Recent studies reveal that bird poop is actually brown. "They've been jerking off on us this whole time" says one scientist.

    • 281
    • FAVS
    JulieSnarkimence2MizSlaughterLawbsterSaidJadedChainsaKhalifa101awescarTheMichaelRock
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    BoleyngirlyJadedChainsbrokeninjaCAPTNAMERICA1RealPrincessKimdinkxxxxjoseph_wildemichaeljdawson
    michaeljdawsonDoom_Jedi
  • prettysadmostly
      meatshirt @prettysadmostly

    You can dip almost anything in ranch, a chip, a french fry, your crushed hopes, a chip

    • 379
    • FAVS
    SoulYodelerfelineconcubinerogue_dead_guybrettcaronTylerLinkinwhalesmells_chloegohdarrrkstarrr
    • 225
    • RETWEETS
    TylerLinkinmedzeyhskinuglyelbowmumblefrumblesJoshSaysGosunnyyderpPrometheus_iNc001357
    Doom_Jedi
  • ashgrash
      Ashley Grashaw @ashgrash

    I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for all the comments I don't make on people's pictures

    • 270
    • FAVS
    awescarCalmReasonHormonellapineappleiheartjust_evolvedjumpdasharkednotsowiseGregHenchman
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    pineappleiheartPsstCaptainMomRunsChilayla6212itsmemistydawnbenittto8Favstar250ericaMd00p
    Doom_Jedi
  • AtmanThakrar
      Atman Thakrar @AtmanThakrar

    Cute pic of ur baby. How old is OMG WHO'S THE DOG IN THE BACKGROUND?! WHAT'S HIS NAME I LOVE HIM. SHOW ME PICS OF JUST THE DOG W/OUT UR BABY

    • 226
    • FAVS
    joanbos23ibid78dulcetryLojine_MohamedshanetheveinDoom_Jedileifromloihikaylatenenbaum
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    Sand0khxnthetobbiertsmdpakrattDoom_Jeditay0214cosminauthaleysfallingStephanieShanks
    Doom_Jedifavoritedbytigersgoroooar
  • ThoughtOtter
      Thoughtter @ThoughtOtter

    *he pulls away from kissing*
    "I'll be Zelda and put my master sword in-"

    Are you serious right now?
    Zelda's the princess. Get out.

    • 433
    • FAVS
    smokinmilfcalluptomeSmartassChefJosesLovesYoujimmy_sharpeMultitudes8zachary_tatomZeldaReddit
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    SmartassChefMultitudes8HymTheGrimeGodbuzzy_rascaltzashAnOrangeSNESLaBelleMaespazrunsny
    Doom_JediABostonTwitBigE_Smooth______
  • mrtruthandsoul
      twoof @mrtruthandsoul

    A restraining order, but for my wife and the kitchen

    • 63
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatAllyBallyBealseejaylincoGenevieve0404birdpoop8ella__frasertoofabulasharmyantstudios
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    AllyBallyBealmichellesbakedclumsy_singhella__fraserarmyantstudiosRickyScampcupcakelyndaSpanishFlight
    RickyScampDoom_Jedi
  • weinerdog4life__
      Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life__

    Before the fight let's lay down some ground rules, no cheap shots and please don't punch me in the fanny pack I have hamsters in there

    • 2,545
    • FAVS
    cassidy_speerblledbetterpseudo_fred2s0ckztuckerflodmandroidbearsZachL16Whoopdeedoo22
    • 1,244
    • RETWEETS
    tu7513emilyshaddrixpseudo_fredpjuppalLazerPunchmaxwright8CoreyLaurinDAM493
    robotrowboatDoom_Jedi
@Doom_Jedi

@Doom_Jedi

I saw Alan Thicke in an airport once.

Tweets that @Doom_Jedi has recently awarded the Tweet of the Day.