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Hello, Poison Control? I just walked by an Abercrombie & Fitch. Is it too late for me?
Recent studies reveal that bird poop is actually brown. "They've been jerking off on us this whole time" says one scientist.
You can dip almost anything in ranch, a chip, a french fry, your crushed hopes, a chip
I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for all the comments I don't make on people's pictures
Cute pic of ur baby. How old is OMG WHO'S THE DOG IN THE BACKGROUND?! WHAT'S HIS NAME I LOVE HIM. SHOW ME PICS OF JUST THE DOG W/OUT UR BABY
*he pulls away from kissing*
"I'll be Zelda and put my master sword in-"
Are you serious right now?
Zelda's the princess. Get out.
A restraining order, but for my wife and the kitchen
Before the fight let's lay down some ground rules, no cheap shots and please don't punch me in the fanny pack I have hamsters in there
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
A good way to make friends is to try and hold people's hands on the elevator
what's obama's last name again I always forget
"Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews is my favorite song to listen to when I'm dropping a toaster into my bath water.
I grew up with parents telling me to "clean my plate, or no dessert" *rails 4 lines, wipes plate with finger and rubs on teeth* Let's fuck.
The worst part of waking up to a cracked phone screen is the walk back to the bar to get your credit card.
Guess what's in my briefcase? Wrong, it's a dead bird I found
Just saw a church sign that said “Children are a gift from the Lord” and it made me laugh in such a complex way I can’t even describe it.
If by "adorable" you mean "pathetic and insecure" then sure.
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't--
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Date a Muslim woman so her burqa will cover the bruises when you beat her
You ever look into a baby’s innocent eyes and think, "why did i just steal this thing”?