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  • behindyourback
      (maura) @behindyourback

    The "weaker sex" is the one that pays for drinks when it sees exposed skin, right?

    • 573
    • FAVS
    doomed_spice2JermHimselfishh1pp1e_SaveItForFestOutOnTheMoorsheisenbabejackblacksparrocalmdissonance
    • 203
    • RETWEETS
    SaveItForFestOutOnTheMoorstourettzgothNickciclespayne__16kaitprobablypohewdhannahhBannnana
    Doom_Jedithirstfav
  • VaguelyFunnyDan
      Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan

    DOROTHY: And you, Scarecrow, well I'll miss you most of all.
    (Tin Man turns to Lion)
    TIN MAN: What the fuck was that shit?

    • 896
    • FAVS
    radtoriarachelf858caruso_angieiwearaonesieGreeblehausobligatemeLaBelleMaemassarge1
    • 487
    • RETWEETS
    LegalDinosaurLaBelleMaeshayf_WuYorkYankeesYolandaRichard7Doom_Jedibitterlittlemaneliserose5
    13spencerDoom_JediDanKCharnley
  • weinerdog4life
      Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life

    Ladybugs, or as I like to call them, wild m&ms.

    • 1,260
    • FAVS
    SandDarrenronty167RobWeb79theothervoicesdshack8ASeaofGreenieUncleBob56Pumpkinbabypie
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    SandDarrenDownFrontArtistASeaofGreeniePumpkinbabypieT7_S4_JM_OutcastDeeficultiGreenMonk
    Doom_JediSeanX3JermHimselfish
  • PeachCoffin
      Paige @PeachCoffin

    When a guy asks if the carpet matches the drapes I say "actually it's hardwood throughout" then I show him my dick

    • 5,474
    • FAVS
    67orbustlexamatoguyhewsonButtersEthemiltronKimberlyLeeAnn_sm1rksbatkaren
    • 1,861
    • RETWEETS
    67orbustBasedGoldingjesthemess_Mavisbeacon01TomJohnsORDTony_BahamaLDuBz3174sidewaysboy1
    Doom_Jedi5hael
  • AnemoneOh
      anem @AnemoneOh

    I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

    • 1,449
    • FAVS
    daliamalekJLazySAngusmrsmith196645SlumberSweetOwlCuhsandranedokazanedonmachiavellibuffalove025
    • 753
    • RETWEETS
    danaaelizabethhmichediaz99Cuhsandradiz_catnedokazanCarmeladreamsElleisaGgbuffalove025
    dapluskDanKCharnleyDanielRCarrillothetobbiestockejockshutupmikeginnDoom_JediSondraDeeMe
  • JenKirkman
      Jen Kirkman @JenKirkman

    "No. Not yesterday's mass shooting. Today's mass shooting. No, not THAT one from today. The other one."

    • 1,375
    • FAVS
    JDurunDoom_Jediplathian9cloudypianosAdam_PopovichWisenheimerJBURKE06anagramps
    • 1,755
    • RETWEETS
    mkillyJDurunDoom_Jedisonny2221LORMO3000TheCompleteJeffelectric_nomadamccaf1
    Doom_Jedi
  • MrsJekyllsHyde
      Toots MaGoots @MrsJekyllsHyde

    I eat my cupcakes like it's an emergency.

    • 506
    • FAVS
    incognytoeNtsikieNontimayankluv70llvvzzrobin_991Yell317DurtMcHurttPc7918BRAD
    • 309
    • RETWEETS
    mayankluv70DurtMcHurttMableGertrudejuneohara65vlowgoessassyassbellajoeyfullystatedcabrs
    littlemisspsunDoom_Jedi
  • Stellacopter
      denise @Stellacopter

    My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"

    • 1,855
    • FAVS
    RealRedRossveryveryonlineExodus_1831RichHarris2dreamthievinnotaaveragejoeLaDameBlancDeniseFlores
    • 773
    • RETWEETS
    JaeMar68RyanCordell4322GemmaRaphaelbecabirdKhaleddAhmedBadaBingeImaFlyontheWallTayTayTeo
    Doom_Jediiamjeffsloancollegebenpeachey_keentres_routesshatterpants______
  • LuvPug
      Pugnado @LuvPug

    Sometimes it's like the more I know, the more I don't want to know.

    • 766
    • FAVS
    rakhawyPavonine7sucker_punchthedomestictypeCletusHammer__ClamDiveRadioSweetieGobshite_
    • 572
    • RETWEETS
    rakhawynadamohamedmah2CletusHammer__LetmebethepearlEightinchgoatBardenMsallielectrichdaniels_00
    PeaceInTruth1d2BMcG__Doom_Jedi
  • onelongbender__
      Always, Heather @onelongbender__

    I think you're supposed to be sober when AA says to make amends with the people you hurt, Karen.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    DebraMuffinNichollsTerence_The_Medusa_tsm560Curly_gurl135psychogoddessThat_Damn_DuckTlaxBoy05
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    tsm560Curly_gurl135TlaxBoy05hirojesusSouthernStylin1BlaineKyBangMyBongoEasyE_Coli
    Doom_Jedi
  • eliserose5
      Mediocre Marvel @eliserose5

    Nudity loves company.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    MissKush710__The_Sculptressbrianhackney1camblairHouston_Bass5oulhealerrma_007ellejizzer
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    brianhackney1xo_Nadia215oulhealerGSHOK9pol_e_wogDadAfterDarkcamronswansonDatNolaSam
    Doom_Jedi
  • mrtruthandsoul
      twoof @mrtruthandsoul

    5yo: Daddy, what's a facial?
    Me: Your brother.
    5yo: I don't have a brother!?
    Me: Exactly!

    • 1,305
    • FAVS
    onume_OcMeisterAdam14PeachesMcPeachLove76BJuicedballs3rd_darkangelMsSScandal
    • 810
    • RETWEETS
    KhaleddAhmedAdam14Love76BJuicedballsLanzomaniacRohitKohli236jeannerbeanerDavidWaddle
    Doom_Jediyasserseif__h3ll0d0llySoapyJohnsonBeardsonmegatron363TheRealAnchovyNotKevinSheedyTheGrimKing
  • SCbchbum
      Erica @SCbchbum

    Hello, Poison Control? I just walked by an Abercrombie & Fitch. Is it too late for me?

    • 108
    • FAVS
    ashleyklejnaalexdhenleyWildeThingyTheMichaelRockStumpWoodleysluckyduckynotadamspeckjeniipennii
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    theboootspauldavidcookCorinneBeloved7LinLabugKrad_xoalmoff12holyycannolirwcampbell
    Doom_Jedi
  • JermHimselfish
      Jerm Himselfish @JermHimselfish

    Recent studies reveal that bird poop is actually brown. "They've been jerking off on us this whole time" says one scientist.

    • 281
    • FAVS
    JulieSnarkimence2MizSlaughterLawbsterSaidJadedChainsaKhalifa101awescarTheMichaelRock
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    BoleyngirlyJadedChainsbrokeninjaCAPTNAMERICA1RealPrincessKimdinkxxxxjoseph_wildemichaeljdawson
    michaeljdawsonDoom_Jedi
  • prettysadmostly
      meatshirt @prettysadmostly

    You can dip almost anything in ranch, a chip, a french fry, your crushed hopes, a chip

    • 399
    • FAVS
    VegasGalMareLorieGZDrivelodeonNotPeterStarkICountBeanssFredzipfelgreen_eyed_dollmellimelle
    • 235
    • RETWEETS
    VegasGalMareSelenaMaranjianNotPeterStarkncm53lacrossemom5jannn_x3themakeupaffairKalliopeGX
    Doom_Jedi
  • ashgrash
      Ashley Grashaw @ashgrash

    I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for all the comments I don't make on people's pictures

    • 273
    • FAVS
    NotPeterStarksunzdevilGCrackershaizleeeyEVILnSHITawescarCalmReasonHormonella
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    NotPeterStarkhaizleeeyEVILnSHITpineappleiheartPsstCaptainMomRunsChilayla6212itsmemistydawn
    Doom_Jedi
  • AtmanThakrar
      Atman Thakrar @AtmanThakrar

    Cute pic of ur baby. How old is OMG WHO'S THE DOG IN THE BACKGROUND?! WHAT'S HIS NAME I LOVE HIM. SHOW ME PICS OF JUST THE DOG W/OUT UR BABY

    • 226
    • FAVS
    joanbos23ibid78dulcetryLojine_MohamedshanetheveinDoom_Jedileifromloihiknnnockout
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    Sand0khxnthetobbiertsmdpakrattDoom_Jeditay0214cosminauthaleysfallingStephanieShanks
    Doom_Jedifavoritedbytigersgoroooar
  • ThoughtOtter
      Thoughtter @ThoughtOtter

    *he pulls away from kissing*
    "I'll be Zelda and put my master sword in-"

    Are you serious right now?
    Zelda's the princess. Get out.

    • 435
    • FAVS
    ghostkroghZGhaoNjussssmokincalluptomeSmartassChefJosesLovesYoujimmy_sharpeMultitudes8
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    SmartassChefMultitudes8HymTheGrimeGodbuzzy_rascaltzashAnOrangeSNESLaBelleMaespazrunsny
    Doom_JediABostonTwitBigE_Smooth______
  • mrtruthandsoul
      twoof @mrtruthandsoul

    A restraining order, but for my wife and the kitchen

    • 63
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatAllyBallyBealseejaylincoGenevieve0404birdpoop8ella__frasertoofabulasharmyantstudios
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    AllyBallyBealmichellesbakedclumsy_singhella__fraserarmyantstudiosRickyScampcupcakelyndaSpanishFlight
    RickyScampDoom_Jedi
  • weinerdog4life
      Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life

    Before the fight let's lay down some ground rules, no cheap shots and please don't punch me in the fanny pack I have hamsters in there

    • 2,549
    • FAVS
    hpathirajabombsydollthe_tsai_guyweenbeansabbycohenwlewfeezSt_Bluntconstantlyjosh
    • 1,247
    • RETWEETS
    abbycohenwl666meiconstantlyjoshPoopy_Pizza_Palstephenma064662x3balromasantTheRealRHB
    robotrowboatDoom_Jedi
@Doom_Jedi

@Doom_Jedi

I saw Alan Thicke in an airport once.

Tweets that @Doom_Jedi has recently awarded the Tweet of the Day.