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Just saw a church sign that said “Children are a gift from the Lord” and it made me laugh in such a complex way I can’t even describe it.
If by "adorable" you mean "pathetic and insecure" then sure.
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't--
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Date a Muslim woman so her burqa will cover the bruises when you beat her
You ever look into a baby’s innocent eyes and think, "why did i just steal this thing”?
You could have two or maybe even three sock drawers. Stop letting people hold you back
My son just handed me a picture of a shark he drew. It has twelve gills. What the fuck is this garbage?
Twitter is the only alibi that gets me into more trouble.
HOMEWORK QUESTION: if a 30 yr old woman wears Hello Kitty, how many dudes has she had inside her at one time?
Show your work.
When someone tells me I should download snapchat I usually say "okay!" and then make a mental note to cut them out of my life entirely
In my head, I'm the mean judge on a show called So You Think Your Story is Interesting.
"You're like a ray of sunshine in the morning."
"Awww, I make you happy?"
"No, I can't look at you."
You call them "binder clips". I call them "nipple clamps". Let's call the whole HR Sex harassment meeting off
Nephew: What's love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I insist on just the tip, due to my enormous, well, you know, ego.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."
I'm not really a morning person, or an afternoon person, you know what just don't talk to me.
The only reason I'm faking interest in your accident story is cuz I'm waiting for you to say what you're gonna do with your extra pain meds.
I don't wanna be put on anybody's pedestal, unless "pedestal" is just another word for "bar tab."
Wouldn't it be romantic if we all slept at the same time?
I saw Alan Thicke in an airport once. My family doesn't speak to me anymore.