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Recent studies reveal that bird poop is actually brown. "They've been jerking off on us this whole time" says one scientist.
You can dip almost anything in ranch, a chip, a french fry, your crushed hopes, a chip
I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for all the comments I don't make on people's pictures
Cute pic of ur baby. How old is OMG WHO'S THE DOG IN THE BACKGROUND?! WHAT'S HIS NAME I LOVE HIM. SHOW ME PICS OF JUST THE DOG W/OUT UR BABY
*he pulls away from kissing*
"I'll be Zelda and put my master sword in-"
Are you serious right now?
Zelda's the princess. Get out.
A restraining order, but for my wife and the kitchen
Before the fight let's lay down some ground rules, no cheap shots and please don't punch me in the fanny pack I have hamsters in there
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
A good way to make friends is to try and hold people's hands on the elevator
what's obama's last name again I always forget
"Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews is my favorite song to listen to when I'm dropping a toaster into my bath water.
I grew up with parents telling me to "clean my plate, or no dessert" *rails 4 lines, wipes plate with finger and rubs on teeth* Let's fuck.
The worst part of waking up to a cracked phone screen is the walk back to the bar to get your credit card.
Guess what's in my briefcase? Wrong, it's a dead bird I found
Just saw a church sign that said “Children are a gift from the Lord” and it made me laugh in such a complex way I can’t even describe it.
If by "adorable" you mean "pathetic and insecure" then sure.
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't--
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Date a Muslim woman so her burqa will cover the bruises when you beat her
You ever look into a baby’s innocent eyes and think, "why did i just steal this thing”?
You could have two or maybe even three sock drawers. Stop letting people hold you back