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Getting a shirt that says, ‘Ask Me About Alcoholism’ then when anyone asks I’ll just slur, “what are you my mother?”
“Okay, it’s time to go shopping.” -assholes
You know how sometimes you order a Gordita instead of Chalupa by mistake and kind of consider suicide for awhile.
I’m only dating her so I can put my things in her purse while I’m at the bar.
Whoa! Slow down Fatboy. You’re candy comes out of this bowl. It’s called celery.
How do you get Vaseline off your hands and other areas?
My favorite drinking game? Sitting at home alone doing a shot during every commercial break until I wake up in the bathtub.
I like how all the guys waiting outside the restroom for their significant others don’t even acknowledge each other.
Well, pissing the bed when I get too drunk is something my body does now I guess.
Last thing I remember before the bartender took my keys is breaking a bottle and yelling ‘I AM A SITH LORD!'
I don’t like how this bathroom just assumes I’m a gentleman.
It’s not like I got so drunk that I pissed the bed last night.
If your wedding has an open bar and you invite me, you’re basically saying “hey, come ruin our wedding.”
Thanks for buying our dress shirt, here’s a thousand needles to find and hurt yourself on.
What I like most about my girlfriend is how she gets blackout drunk and tells me everything that’s wrong with me, nightly.
You know it’s true love when you go knuckles deep on your girl and then don’t even wash your hands before eating.
Getting a bunch of fatheads of me in provocative poses to cover my roommates walls.
I got a DD. It’s blackout me.
I saw Alan Thicke in an airport once. My family doesn't speak to me anymore.