Ironing clothes like I’m some sort of broad.

Hey lady cops, no need to put on makeup. You’re not fooling anyone.

Like a dog park but without other dog owners. Just me and a bunch of doggies.

The best place to pick up girls is at the dog park. Their defenses are lowered after you watch them pick up poop with a plastic bag.

More like The It Was Just Okay Gatsby.

“Actually, apples really have no affect on us.” -doctors

If you can’t read a text that says ‘where u at’ without driving into oncoming traffic, that’s just natural selection at its finest.

Me peeing off the front porch as someone jogged by is something that just happened.

More like Lame of Thrones.

I just ate a sandwich but forgot to put cheese on it, so naturally I’m making another one.

@1bigmick @notjpo Borderline??

My showers are about 3 minutes of cleaning myself and 20 minutes of just standing there sad.

Just rename Mother’s Day to Guilt-Trip Day.

@saraespivey OMG thanks for the trophy! I just now noticed, sorry. I’ll be over with the sex swing in a couple hours.

I just saw an empty shopping cart lying in a ditch and it was a perfect metaphor for my life.

Pulling weeds is fun. It’s like killing things without having to watch them die.

The best part in The Hobbit was when I fell asleep half way through.

Radically changing the world one Facebook post at a time.

This girl that stayed over for the first time just left, so I’ll be sitting here farting for the next hour.

When girls pretend to know anything about sports.