I use an eyeball avi because we didn't have digital photography when I had only one chin.

My kids are at the "You're embarrassing Dad. Can I have your car keys" stage.

If I made a porno, it would be short

Me: Hi
Her: not in a million years.
Me:
Her:
Me: K. Bye

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

One good thing about being broke is not having to agonize over which Caribbean island to vacation on.

How sad to think of all the people who wasted their life before twitter. Technology is an enabler.

Recently retired.
Financially secure.
Sexually repressed.
A little creepy.

- The Pope on Christian Mingle

Here is all you need to know about twitter:

me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me

Got it?

Dieting, can't lose weight, hip pain, colonoscopy, dating, god.

~ Me fishing for bot follows

I told my GF that I wanted to become a comedy writer and she laughed at me. At first I thought she was being supportive.

Children and girlfriends routinely interchange the words "borrow" and "have", especially as it relates to money.

Me on Pawn Stars:

Me: I'd like to sell my GI Joe doll from my youth.
PS: Do you have the box?
Me: No.
PS:
Me:
PS: Do you have the head?

You know you're getting old when just waking up is a celebration.

I've notice that getting older is highly correlated to getting fartier. Yay me.

They should make alarm clocks that put out the aroma of fresh brewed coffee. Genius.

“@lord_voldemort7: This is everything that is wrong with the world in one picture.  http://twitpic.com/8l9crq ” Reducto, unstupify

This hot chick called me a stud muffin. Made my day.

Actually, she said muffin top. I added the stud part.

What evs.

The pope just committed the mother of all twittercides.

My son has a youth group meeting tonight. I told him unless they're meeting to pray for the Patriots he should forget going, or take a cab.

Chef Sext: Don't forget the giblets.