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I really don't have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I hate it when my husband accuses me of not caring about whatever the fuck he was talking about.
Ladies- it's important to have a man that:
1) Rocks in bed
2) Buys you stuff
3) Compliments you
4) These 3 men do not know each other.
I hate Jehovah Witnesses.
Mind you, being of Italian descent, I hate any witnesses.
How to find your wife while shopping:
1- Call out her name
2- Check the cosmetics aisle
3- Smack another woman's ass
Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap.
Must be his alarm system.
I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know that we can choose between crushed and regular ice cubes.
Wedding dress size 6. Only worn once. By mistake.
Ladies, stop getting all Pavlovy when you see a man open a car door for his woman.
Either the car is new or the woman is.
Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes.
You know, cause they can't reach and all.
I had salad for supper. Potato salad. It had lots of potatoes. They were distilled. Ok it was Vodka. I had Vodka.
I like to cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Pigs would have a much longer lifespan if they weren't made out of bacon.
Guns don't kill people.
Celine Dion's music kills people.
"Let's go somewhere expensive tonight"
We drove to the gas station, filled up & came back home.
Now, we're eating soup out of a can.
Mom, what's a Kardashian? It's what a midget can't see over when in the driver's seat. Just kidding, dear. It means whore.
There are two different kinds of pedestrians.
Ones that cross quickly and ones that get stuck under my car.
Ever read an inspirational quote that completely transformed your life?
There are 7,128 grocery carts to choose from, yet I always manage to pick the one that makes me look like I have Cerebral Palsy.
Publicly, here on Twitter- I'm coming out of the closet. I hate my kids. There I said it. http://t.co/70VJUopdLG
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