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My boyfriend is so Jewish, he'd watch Porn backwards just to see the hooker give the money back.
I really don't have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I hate it when my husband accuses me of not caring about whatever the fuck he was talking about.
Ladies- it's important to have a man that:
1) Rocks in bed
2) Buys you stuff
3) Compliments you
4) These 3 men do not know each other.
I hate Jehovah Witnesses.
Mind you, being of Italian descent, I hate any witnesses.
Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap.
Must be his alarm system.
How to find your wife while shopping:
1- Call out her name
2- Check the cosmetics aisle
3- Smack another woman's ass
I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know that we can choose between crushed and regular ice cubes.
Wedding dress size 6. Only worn once. By mistake.
Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes.
You know, cause they can't reach and all.
Ladies, stop getting all Pavlovy when you see a man open a car door for his woman.
Either the car is new or the woman is.
Guns don't kill people.
Celine Dion's music kills people.
I like to cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
"Let's go somewhere expensive tonight"
We drove to the gas station, filled up & came back home.
Now, we're eating soup out of a can.
I had salad for supper. Potato salad. It had lots of potatoes. They were distilled. Ok it was Vodka. I had Vodka.
Pigs would have a much longer lifespan if they weren't made out of bacon.
Mom, what's a Kardashian? It's what a midget can't see over when in the driver's seat. Just kidding, dear. It means whore.
There are 7,128 grocery carts to choose from, yet I always manage to pick the one that makes me look like I have Cerebral Palsy.
There are two different kinds of pedestrians.
Ones that cross quickly and ones that get stuck under my car.
Ever read an inspirational quote that completely transformed your life?
Publicly, here on Twitter- I'm coming out of the closet. I hate my kids. There I said it. http://favstar.fm/users/DosieDoe/recent
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