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My boyfriend is so Jewish, he'd watch Porn backwards just to see the hooker give the money back.
I really don't have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I hate it when my husband accuses me of not caring about whatever the fuck he was talking about.
Ladies- it's important to have a man that:
1) Rocks in bed
2) Buys you stuff
3) Compliments you
4) These 3 men do not know each other.
Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap.
Must be his alarm system.
I hate Jehovah Witnesses.
Mind you, being of Italian descent, I hate any witnesses.
How to find your wife while shopping:
1- Call out her name
2- Check the cosmetics aisle
3- Smack another woman's ass
Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes.
You know, cause they can't reach and all.
I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know that we can choose between crushed and regular ice cubes.
Guns don't kill people.
Celine Dion's music kills people.
"Let's go somewhere expensive tonight"
We drove to the gas station, filled up & came back home.
Now, we're eating soup out of a can.
Wedding dress size 6. Only worn once. By mistake.
Ladies, stop getting all Pavlovy when you see a man open a car door for his woman.
Either the car is new or the woman is.
Mom, what's a Kardashian? It's what a midget can't see over when in the driver's seat. Just kidding, dear. It means whore.
There are 7,128 grocery carts to choose from, yet I always manage to pick the one that makes me look like I have Cerebral Palsy.
Kids playing on the bed cause accidents.
Accidents playing on the bed cause kids....
Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.
Tell my kids about the Tooth Fairy and they believe it.
Tell them the floor is wet and they have to walk in it to be sure. Little fuckers.
There are two different kinds of pedestrians.
Ones that cross quickly and ones that get stuck under my car.
Perfection without e.r.e.c.t.i.o.n is just Pf...
Publicly, here on Twitter- I'm coming out of the closet. I hate my kids. There I said it.
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