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It would suck if you finally get your cat to talk and the only thing he can say is the 'N-word'.
"Bitch, you got cancer!" (WebMC)
"No! I don't wanna do graffiti today!" - Cranksy
"Dude, she's passed out." "Let me just put this thing on her back." (Statutory Cape)
Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun's over.
It sucks when you blow a kiss to your wife, but then Jackie Chan flies out of nowhere to intercept it.
It'd be weird if you were picking up your dog's shit and the plastic bag was like, "I was in American Beauty, you asshole!"
What if you go black, but you forget your phone, so you HAVE to go back?
As my massage concluded, she gripped my penis and told me that she has cancer. (Sad Ending)
When caught picking your nose, smile and slowly push your finger upward until you kill yourself.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like to rowboat a lady's bosom.
Sometimes you just gotta throw a bunch of stuff into a blender and then casually walk out of Sears.
I'd talk to a guy holding a bloody knife before I'd talk to a guy holding a yoga mat.
Diapers are the bookends of life.
"Table for Wan." - Lonely-Wan Kenobi
"Eggs, milk, bread, cheese." (Schindler's Other List)
"Get a load of this guy!" - Employee At A Sperm Bank
Pretending your finger's a gun is the coolest way to order 'dressing on the side'.
"Fuck happiness." - Guy Who Decides What Movies Stream On Netflix
"Beat me until I shit candy!" - Piñatas
My actual name is Sam Littenberg-Weisberg. It's literally too long to fit in the name section. Story of my life...