Wonder how long I can walk around the office holding these papers before anyone notices I'm not doing any work. 19 minutes so far...

Dachshund hates my dad.
Dad gets bowl of ice cream.
Dachshund suddenly best friends with dad.
Ice cream is gone.
Dachshund hates my dad.

Got my first tattoo last night! Now, granted, it's a child's rub-on tattoo, but it's still awesome. I wonder if I have to join a gang now...

Saw a bison on the side of the road today. As I got closer, it turned out to be a couple of bushes and a mailbox. WTF drugs from the 80s????

Evidently I will star and RT almost any tweet containing the word "fucktard"...

While doing some yard work, I walked face first into a giant spider web. Judging from my scream, it turns out that I have a vagina...

OK. Just bring me the coffee and I'll let the hostages go!!!

So when you kiss your Dachshund on the mouth, it’s OK to close your eyes and moan a little, right? #lonely #dontjudge

"Why are you following me? What's wrong with you?"
- me, in real life

"Why aren't you following me? What's wrong with me?"
- me, on Twitter

Today's breakfast consisted of a handful of Cheerios, a small bag of Reese's minis and an energy drink. I dreamed of this day when I was 4.

Dear Twitter, sorry to have left you for a few hours. Aw, don't be like that baby. She (real world) is just a filthy whore. It's you I love.

Woke up and found $50 in my wallet. Happy until I realized I used to have $100 in there.

*sees drunk hooker sleeping on bed*

Never mind...

Got a speeding ticket last night. Tried to get out of it by flashing some nipple. He wasn't impressed. Not sure what went wrong. Ladies?

I spent all day on Twitter, then got home and my wife was watching Judge Judy. Can the down payment on a doublewide really be very far off?

Mechanical pencils are great for removing raspberry seeds from between your teeth #nerdtips #wheresmyfloss

Yabba Dabba Doo!


*slides down dinosaur tail and hops into car, not looking back until Monday*

I just used the phrase "Tru dat, playa" in an e-mail to a coworker. I am officially the tool of the day. I can't even look at you as I type.

Last night my wife saw a big spider in the garage, so I did the responsible thing and called 911. She's still not talking to me...

Father-in-law had his post prostate cancer treatment checkup yesterday. PSAs went from 16.9 before radiation down to 0.1 now! GO GOD! :)

I've really gotta find a way to shake this mood. I just called the office copier a fuck face...