@DrBadhands' (Malus Manus ) most faved Tweets...
If I ever got a box of Lucky Charms that was all marshmallows i'd kill myself. Because, like, nothing else would be cool after that.
I don't eat hummus because it sounds too much like "homos". Just kidding. It's because it's made from chickpeas, and I like dudes.
My tires screech in this parking garage even when I'm doing 3mph. I feel like I'm in an episode of The Dukes Of Minimal Risk.
Hey god, losing my hair was not at all what I wanted when I prayed for more head. Well played though, you scamp.
What is this "vagina" thing everyone keeps talking about? Is it like Google Wave? Can I get an invite?
Even when I don't tweet, I'm watching. Don't you fucking forget that. I'm watching you, with your tacos and your periods and using things.
I want to record a video of myself eating an apple so I can show it to the next apple I eat before I eat it. Because fuck apples.
Nobody talks about the platypus anymore. Is everyone seriously over those things? I'm not. Fuck them. Like, be a duck or be a beaver, right?
Anyone want to go eat pancakes with me? Seriously. Nothing weird, nothing perverted or gross. Just pancakes. And anal.
To the guy who waited till the elevator was packed with people to fart: I respect you. Also, I bet those eggs were delicious.
If you were a pharmaceutical company, wouldn't you be all over the brand name "Fece-Ease" for one of your laxatives? I take cash.
If anything, the strip club experience let me know that I'm still terrified of women. Also, I can drink 16 beers and still get hard. Ladies.
I head bang in the car so no one will ever think that I might be listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack because I am.
Advanced Poetry Workshop starts with a 45 minute lecture on feminism? My next poem will be entitled "I'm Sorry About My Penis". Easy "A".
Milli Vanilli x 1,000,000 = a million vanillion, which is also the guest list for my dream orgy. Girl, you know it's true.
I'm just going to go ahead and put you guys down as character references on these grad school applications.
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