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Features of dating me: Extreme Violence, Nudity, Sexual Situations, Edibles, Water Submersion, Must Sign a Waiver, Extreme Physical Contact
Drank Fireball last night. No, I do not have a vagina, yes I am ashamed.
Anyone else's wife says blowjobs are a weekend thing?? I feel I'm getting played.
Unlike Bill Cosby, Bill Murray doesn't need to drug bitches to get laid. He's classy like that.
Corn is like the T-1000 from Terminator 2. I chew it up and it always comes back out in one piece.
My 10 sec rule only applies to sex.
"I love attention" I say as I change my birthday on Facebook every other week.
All the birthdays belong to me.
Writes false cancer tweet. Gets all stars, retweets, trophies on Twitter for eternity.
My safe word is your sisters name.
Accidentally posts Twitter update on LinkedIn, gets 13 job requests.
Dear people that are late for work EVERY day, why the fuck don't you just leave earlier you unprofessional lazy piece of shit??
I bet Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian are super fine if beastiality is your thing.
If your ass is on welfare you better be buying ramen noodles instead of lobster and steak you piece of shit.
A Pez dispenser but for Xanax.
Fucking Monday's. I need some coffee, breakfast, and a few thousand dollars.
My jeans are just tight enough to show a little bit of my ball bag to let people know I mean business.
Pornhub and chill. @MrsFapFap is my boss. #KCCO https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3Adrfapfap&src=typd
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