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Sometimes you just need to say, "Go fuck a duck." But, it is crucial that said person does not actually go, fuck a duck.
I die a little more inside with each passing day.
Apparently people don't know how to drive on a highway. So, let me help you...
Left lane: MY fucking lane.
Right lanes: everyone else's.
The only time a rape joke is acceptable is if you’re talking about raping a large supreme pizza. Or a cheeseburger.
The feeling of not being there for your kids is the worst ever. Especially on their birthday.
Ladies…blowjobs…they save lives, prevent wars, save marriages. You hold the keys.
Fuck Zac Efron and his ridiculously good looking hair. Motherfucker....
Thank you iOS 8 for completely fucking up my app notifications.
We aren’t just on two different pages, we are in two completely different books.
Drugs. They're the bees knees everyone is always talking about.
Feels like I'm in a never-ending loop of clicking thumbnails on Favstar. Eventually the world will collapse in on itself.
I hear there is a job opening at Vaughan Foods in Moore, Oklahoma.
Well, today marks 30 ejaculates after having my vasectomy 4 days ago. Yay.
Do people who eat breakfast at McDonald’s not know about the better breakfasts at every other fast food place?