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Alcohol is for adults as weed is for teenagers. Drink up, bitches.
Damn right I'll draw a dick on your face if you pass out drunk. Probably draw two; one on each cheek.
I'm THAT guy.
Common sense says that if you're going to retweet someone, you might as well follow them too.
Launch boner in 3, 2, 1....
Dudes, you look like a seasoned dick sucker if you yawn into your fist. Open hand yawn, homos.
Rum > Vodka
Potato chips, but replaced with cocaine.
Who starts their vacation tomorrow? Me, that's who!
Who is putting their balls on everything in the house tomorrow? Me, that's who!
Oh, you don't like having to give a third of your paycheck away for child support? Time to nut up, man up, and shut the fuck up.
There should be a fort building contest for homeless people.
I have two step kids that hate me, a wife that tolerates me, and a house that is falling a part. I think I deserve twitter in my life.
Eating red velvet cake is basically the same thing as having sex.
Bullies typically have internal shit they are dealing with. You can find out what by cutting them open with a chainsaw.
Thank you Tina from Facebook for letting me know your little whore daughter, Susie was suspended from 6th grade.
Truthful Tuesday: I have this huge pimple on my left butt cheek close to my crack.
I hope I did Truthful Tuesday right.