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My black friend gave me a pass. He said I'm now accepted as one of him. Says I'm now a ninja.
I don't know much, but I do know Axe products are pussy repellents.
Dear people, stop clicking the fucking links in tweets!
Sometimes, if you're too close and in my space, I'll stick a finger in your asshole to make things even more awkward.
Lexapro, the killer of boners.
I can’t believe the amount of spam links going around today!
Look, is it too much to ask for me to be an ice princess that lives in an ice castle? Geez.
I can tell by your high arched plucked eyebrows that you're either a stripper or a hairstylist.
A rehab clinic but for guys that have Instagram accounts.
A tweet so bad I starred it just so I could unstar it.
Damnit, why is it so hard for me to remember to pull out my dick AFTER I get in the bathroom and not BEFORE??
Sometimes I have sex for pleasure. Sometimes I have sex for pain.
You can always tell who is an atheist and who does CrossFit because they will tell you without even asking. 100% of the time.
1. Use any product by Axe
2. Open an Instagram acct
3. Treat women like they're beneath you
Bad bitches everywhere I look.
You know where us white devil cracker motherfuckers like to eat? Denny's. And Cracker Barrel.
If your bathroom faucet screen was stolen for a makeshift bong, just know that it wasn't me me. Nope, not me.
I hate it when I see a pizza and get a boner.
I'm about to murder this bottle of Valiums.