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I've waited almost a year for today so I could tell my wife our marriage was an April Fools joke!
Step kid called me gay. The only response I could give was “You know why I’m not gay? Because I’m fucking your mother.”
Walked into Sprouts with a penis, walked out with a vagina.
Dumbest thing I ever did was thinking a Magic Eraser would help get marker off my daughters face.
Morning sex then morning coffee. In that order.
3, 2, 1…show me them titties!
Nothing gives me hope for the future more than hearing a younger generation listening to the Misfits.
A lot of tweets about Whole Foods lately. I'm sitting over here like, "Who the fuck can afford to go to Whole Foods?!?!"
No man or woman should ever have to resort to buying their alcohol in a plastic bottle. I suggest a 'go fund me' account.
When will girls realize eyebrows can make or break you face.
If you don't get a ghost boner when thinking about the upcoming Daredevil series then you obviously have a vagina.
The preacher on The Walking Dead is kinda of a bitch.
Thanks for following me, new followers. Nothing like a new group to disappoint.
If you're an adult and still play video games then you're fucking awesome in my book.
P.S. Don't ever have kids.
What came first, the chicken or humans unrelenting need to always be right?
"When in doubt, make a dick joke." -Robin Williams
Communication when one person is grumpy will never work. It ends up making two people grumpy. Be fucking awesome, not grumpy.
I just say what you're already thinking. Tits. KCCO
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