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The only thing that could make this 4th of July better is if I was Canadian.
The only thing I’m blowing up tonight is my load. The wife may be collateral damage.
Stop reading this tweet and go fuck something.
It’s nice to see that so many people support rainbows.
You. Yes, you. Motherfucker.
The only people that wear gym t-shirts are people that never go to the gym.
My Pantera would hate fuck your Mariah Carey all day long.
Falling in love is kind of like snorting a rail of cocaine off the back of a urinal at the local shitty bar.
Canada Day > Independence Day
One is happy, the other just wants to blow shit up.
I don't care where you are, when the mood strikes to get your boogie on, it is your damn duty to get your boogie on.
About 10 years ago I took a good look at the people in my life and hit that CTRL+ALT+DELETE button.
Why can't a phone also support solar power charging? Seriously.
Chasing the green fairy and drinking too much absinthe at night causes me to puke like the green goblin in the morning.
The greatest gift God ever gave us was free will to live as we sit fit. Be you and how you were created, not what they say you should be.
There is a right way and a wrong way to load the dishwasher. Know the difference.
You look like someone who I want to fuck up your life with. Let's get married.
I remember when sleeping through the entire night was a thing.
I'm not gay so why the fuck do I give a shit what you do.
I just say what you're already thinking. Tits. KCCO
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