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*Throws down American flag.
*Picks up Canadian flag.
You know you're old when people don't understand a Zima joke.
I hit that fork in the road so much I might as well set up a tent and camp out.
Think of a number between 1 and 20
Multiply by 3
Subtract your original number
Close your eyes
Fucking dark, isn’t it?
1) Does your bf/gf prefer OJ with pulp?
2) Do they prefer single ply tp?
If yes to both questions, then you are dating Lucifer.
Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping.
So...41 is the limit fellas.
Remember back in the day when a bully got the fuck beat out of them and the person getting bullied didn’t commit suicide? Good times.
If a girl pulls out a knife on you during a fight, pull out some bread & mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich
Sometimes you just need a hug. And a blowjob. And seven hundred thousand dollars.
Show me the barrel of your shotgun so I know the love is real.
Jerking off in my wife's hair while she's sleeping is about as adventurous as I get nowadays.
I have no idea what the hell I'm doing and that's ok.
Over-parenting is still parenting. Beats the fuck out of under-parenting.
Atheists try to get Christians to convert while Christian try to convert atheists. Im sitting here thinking we all jerk off to the same porn
Monday Twitter is just weekend Twitters sloppy seconds.
I don't care what size or color you are. If you are a human being and not an asshole, I like you.
You're a nobody unless you have a secret passageway/room in your house. Just another schmuck.
I bet some Barry Manilow sounds dope as shit with those larger than life headphones.
Twerking and Selfie have been added to the oxford dictionary.
Future and Optimism have been removed.
The world needs more cats and dogs and less humans.
#KCCO IG: tulsa_chiver_john https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3Adrfapfap&src=typd
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