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Dear today: nope.
It's only funny when it's someone else's fault
I just want to pull the blanket over my head and yell "I don't wanna get up" but my guilty conscience kicks my ass. Being grown up is stupid
I wish My dog could shoot bees out of her mouth. Instead my dog is allergic to bees. I can't take over the world under these conditions.
Who let me drink all the wine? And where are my pants?
You'll give yourself worry lines with all that nagging, then you'll never be beautiful....like me
All prospective tenants should bring chocolate strawberry cupcakes with delicious buttercream frosting
I've stopped talking to everyone in this house, I've had enough of the selfish nonsense and disrespect.
Yelling "all of you, get out of my house" is probably considered rude. Making friends is hard.
My iphone case is broken in five different places, incase you wanted to know how *dangerous I am.
Attempting to kill my iPhone battery. Without stabbing it. Maybe with my mind.
When you don't finish a project to completion, it becomes someone else's problem and it pisses them off. Stop it. Just finish what you start
Having Chinese for dinner. Because I am a terrible person.
Hello sinus congestion, and splitting headache. We're going to be best friends at work today. Touch my cake and I'll cut ya. #bffsforever
Baby and I both woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Grouchy mood, activate!
Pancakes, maple sausage, bacon, fruit salad and coffee. I am an awesome mom/sister.
I'm not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I am joking.