Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a koala an abacus & he'll just stare at it like an idiot. Koalas are stupid.

OK, bring ALL 9(!) of your kids to the office today to let everyone see what a good Catholic you are. p.s. It's a vagina, not a clown car.

I take the "the" out of psychotherapist.

I’m not saying Justin Bieber is gay, I'm just saying the kid likes a hand on the back of his head when he eats a burrito.

“The Omnomnomicon” – The most evil cookbook ever

Just went for a 2-mile nap.

Wow! A TOTD from @_________! (just practicing)

"Born on X-mas & died on Easter? There's NO WAY a 4-month-old could grow a beard, dude." - confused atheist

Started rehab on my leg today. The first step was admitting my knee had a problem.

How are we supposed to know when lesbian porn is done?

SHOCKING STATISTIC: 82%!

My avi may not be a nice pair of boobies, but it's my genuine reaction to seeing a nice pair of boobies.

The first rule of Work Club is you don't give a shit about Work Club.

What's a "Skrillex"?

Me: Well, I'm on crutches, so I have to piss in the sink now.
Her: But, that doesn't make any sense!
Me: Sure, judge the cripple.

"Moo?" - reluctant cows

Pretty sure I just invented the pizza bong...

Life is like a box of terrible analogies.

I hoard people going through interventions.

Every time you masturbate, God does too. He's into that shit.