The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

I'm intimidated by women who jerk me off better then I can jerk me off.

Let me show you on the doll where to touch me.

If ya can't take the tweet, stay out of the timeline.

If you're not interested in making a fort in the living room to make love in, then maybe you're not the woman for me.

She called me stalker, a creeper, & a lurker, I like to think she really meant detective.

Sometimes I don't go big just so I can go home.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm pretending you're dead.

I feel for any dog who's owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking "Where does this guy live, we've been walking for 3 years"

I'm really good at keeping secrets because I wasn't even listening to you anyways.

I was born in a vagina and I better damn well fucking die in one.

My girlfriend told me she loved me. I told her to get a twitter account and we'll talk.

If you don't love cheese then you're not even capable of love.

If you've got jugs, I've got hugs.

If a guy tells you he's never tried to suck his own dick before, he's lying. However, I've never tried it, like ever.

This is the worst dating site ever, you're all whores.

I don't need friends, I have pills.

My dog and I are like an old married couple.



As in, we don't have sex anymore.

Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin.

Just made 2 new discoveries: fastest way to melt a Popsicle & an easy way to make your asshole sticky. Turns out they're the same. Science!