I tried to give my wife a good night kiss and she said our safe word, rolled over, and went to sleep. Don't think that's how it works.

If I had all the money I had spent on drugs when I was younger I would have money to spend on drugs now.

Twitter needs a swear jar. Economy fixed.

I've been married a long time so could someone please clue me in on this blow job thing everybody is talking about?

According to Twitter, every woman sucks dick except my wife.

Dear Christians who hate all non Christians. How very "Christian" of you.

After years of studies, charts, & graphs, I have come to the conclusion that women will only sleep with me on days that end with rohypnol.

I've seen way too much porn to ever let my wife stay home and wait for the plumber.

Okay, this is my British accent. What do you think?

I wonder if Jesus would have been as popular if his name was Eric.

My wife always complains about being broke, but if she would put out more I wouldn't have to spend all our money on hookers.

Time for bed. Or as my wife calls it "Stay on your own fucking side asshole".

If dicks could talk I bet they would lie like a motherfucker.

My mom told me I should have a plan B in case this whole "living thing" doesn't work out for me.

I took a pen and traced all the veins in my dick to make it look stronger.

We put our hand on the back of your head during blow jobs for your own safety. We're afraid you might flinch and get it in your eye.

I jerk off to a picture of Freud's mother.

If you see a lady's butt plug fall out while grocery shopping, should you pick it up and give it back to her or pocket it? Need answer fast.

If your new boyfriend invites you camping within the first week of dating, you're not coming back.

Someday I hope to eat pussy like a boss, but tonight my wife is going to have to settle for middle management.