With all those 'thoughts and prayers' on Facebook it's amazing people are *still* dying.

My mom just made me pancakes and said "You know, pancakes are like children. The first one never turns out quite right." Love you too, mom.

I hope my Twitter-crush has a Twitter-crush on me so we can get Twitter-married and I can commit Twittercide when things don’t work out.

Let us be frank for a moment. I'll be Sinatra you can be Zappa.

I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

"You're dead to me"-Zombie father, proud of his son.

Number of females in the world: 3,439,888,902. My chances of getting laid today: 0 Well played, God. Well played.

You can't spell family without F.M.L.

Is it weird if I get jealous when my cat is affectionate to other people? Also, my cat is a whore.

Angry sex for me is a lot like regular sex. Except I apologize more.

HEY FUCK YOU ASSHOLE I'M NOT FUCKING BI-POLAR, you silly goose. How was your day?

If you ever want to test my social awkwardness just try to shake my hand in a hip or cool way or attempt to hug me.

The only thing better than seeing a woman smile is being the reason.

My hobbies include: hating myself, over-thinking, regretting everything I ever did or didn't do, and doing absolutely nothing.

I pursue sex as vigorously as when I was a kid hunting down the ice cream truck. And just like then I find I never have enough money.

Apparently using the word "pee-pee” instead of “cock” while sexting ruins the mood. Who knew? There’s no manual for this shit.

A cup of tea is not my cup of tea. But vodka is.

You had me at “Fuck it, I’m drunk. Let’s get this over with”.

I wish I could be a black person, a parody or a womanizer so I could get top tweet in a Twitter Trend someday.

My favorite Pearl Jam song is that one that goes, Onna Peicaeither heseahohhyahsayohaseeea Ohhhayeayeeeeaye