Hey, male script writers: women don't talk during yoga class.

Oh I'm not afraid to favorite a bunch of your tweets in a row. I'm comfortfuckinable in ma own skin. No shame in ma game jus 100% me, son!

To any men who have recently proposed, PLEASE start referring to your lady as "Fiancé Knowles"

Just drank a glass of wine while soaking in a hot bath and wondered at which point exactly I turned into my father.

"It's god's hairspray." @nicolebyer on sweat

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! I WON THE BEATDOWN!!!! FINALLY!!!! AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF TRYING!!!! #bestdayofmylife @elizaskinner @joshsilverstein

It's so hard not to comment "go to therapy" under people's Facebook rants about benign things.

Statistics show that women with loving partners who compliment regularly will reduce their amount of "selfies" by 90%.

Ooooh. He's soooo mysterious. He like, never Instagrams.

"A child, a child shivers in the cold/ let us bring him silver and gold" ...boy, those Three Kings were not very good with children.

In celebration of LA's biggest holiday, I flaked out on my friends to stay in and watch a Sex & the City marathon and eat hummus. #420

I poured a glass of wine and my puppy placed his paw on my foot and I imagined him saying "Mommy, please don't."

When I ignite the burner on my stove top, I like to sing "This stove is on fire!" like Alicia Keys, and I tell you- it never gets old.

"Are you guys naming people you've heard of?" Is my favorite way to interrupt heavy name dropping.

Silver Lake and Los Feliz: keep an eye out for Tesla the dog. DM or reply to @actuallyberg if you find her! pic.twitter.com/iU6AXQEX (pls RT)

Don't you try and talk over your fart! I'm on to you!

As a kid I used to have to do a countdown in my head to get myself to ask another person a question. Sometimes the countdown would repeat.

Whenever I'm bored I like to tell people I hate iced coffee and then sit back and watch them rage.

I can't help but distrust a man who has a cat.

Come see me in The BEATdown - a comedians only rap battle- this Sun 9:30pm UCB THTR!!! I'll be battling @shelbyfero and @momowelch !