People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Every 23 seconds a woman somewhere is mad at you for reasons which you'll never know.

One thing that I'm extremely good at is giving out free advice. Awful, horrible, life endangering, free advice.

Of course I'm going to laugh everytime you say Asbergers. Let me name a horrible disease Titpickles and we'll see how you hold up.

There are 7 billion people on this planet, anything you say will be offensive to at least one of them, so go big or go home.

In about 30 years, we are going to be a very strange group of old people.

Hard to convince a babysitter to come over on a weeknight when I'm already a little buzzed and also I don't have any kids.

Well it happens to everyone sooner or later, I found a gray hair today. It was in my chicken sandwich at Wendy's.

There are boring kids in Africa right now that don't have Twitter, so you better finish all 140 characters and I don't want to hear whining.

Jesus went out for a pack of smokes 2000 years ago and a world full of his children are watching the door thinking he's coming back one day.

If you work really hard at twitter maybe one day you can get a job in a toll booth and get paid to have one sentence conversations all day.

If I've learned anything from Batman, it's that people who tell riddles should be punched in the face.

You are aware that the thinner the iPad gets, the more noticeably overweight you look holding it.

Did you know that if you have OCD, there's a 50% chance you washed your hands an odd number of times today? Better go fix that.

The weather is getting nicer, it's that time of year for Kid Rock to steal and ruin another classic rock song.

Never would have imagined that Twinkie would go bankrupt and Broccoli is doing just fine.

I've hired a dude to follow, then unfollow, re-follow, then re-unfollow everyone on my list every day. Enjoy the self doubt and paranoia.

Kitchen gadgets, drug paraphenilia, gynocological devices, they all look the same to me.

Been at the park all day practicing unbuttoning my pants.

Sex should be fiesty, like trying to put a contact lens on a stray cat.