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Who will end the suffering of the succotash?
I don't get people who hate protestors. Perhaps they're jealous that some folks are still capable of giving a shit.
I don't understand why the world isn't a better place yet. I've signed at least a dozen internet petitions.
Peyton Manning hears rumors of Madonna performing at the Super Bowl and hugs himself while saying, "This used to be my playground."
Seems silly to keep telling us about the thing from space that isn't going to hit us when a thing from space just hit us.
It must suck for Mourdock to know that God didn't intend for him to win this election.
It's National Boss's Day? Awesome. I hardly ever get a chance to thank my employer for exploiting my labor and destroying my will to live.
It probably seems like this twitter account is controlled by several people with varying degrees of mental illness, but it's just me.
Cynicism is what happens when you're paying attention.
It turns out that being emotionally handicapped is not enough to get you into the Paralympics.
December 21 can't come fast enough.
Summer is officially over. We can start living like civilized humans again.
On this date in 1977, the last execution by guillotine occurred in France. I hope the guy at least got to see Star Wars first.
The clerk at Speedway asked me to smile, so I asked her to jump up and down. In the end, neither of us was satisfied.
Why did Kanye West create Monday?
Danica Patrick is a feminist icon in the same way that I'm a poster child for sobriety.
I've watched so many Werner Herzog videos this week that my existential crisis is having an existential crisis.
Card-carrying member of the Illuminati. Dedicated Bob Rossianist.