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I don't think I can live in a world that has synonyms for original.
I want to feel you pressed against me, but I'll settle for smelling the shirt you left here 17 days ago.
I knew I shouldn't have Groupon'ed an assassin.
No, perve, I said I came with my POSSE
To the guy at the dog park today: my dog humping your cocker spaniel does NOT foreshadow anything b/w us.
I follow back is the new I reciprocate oral.
I want to see an innocuous question asked for a friend. Like: Shouldn't a top loader fill water past the clothes? Asking for a friend.
Is there any Sherlock Holmes porn?
(asking for a friend)
I feel like Russia today, resource-wise. My largest export has been natural gas.
"You can't spell sex without ex" -- my ex's attempt to get some recycle play
When I misspelled Confidential, you suggested Confident Tail? Autocorrect, sometimes I want to buy you dinner & introduce you to my friends.
Good day! I want to go home & make love to my husband! But, he doesn't exist. Not sure making love exists either. Back to feminazi state...
Me: Quit with the OCD!!
Friend: I will once I GET EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT!
I think ppl are misusing the past participle pluperfect of the infinitive to can as some kind of a noun nickname.
My boss always walks in on times like, "girl, ask him to eat pineapple!" but not when I'm furiously typing. (typing on Twitter, but still!)
If you gave me anything, I could lose it in my house for 3 days. Not bragging abt my average-size house, just sharing my superpower.
A fun thing to hear at work is "people having fun in here? We can't have that!" Yea, I bet you have no friends at home, too, Mr. Party.
Mr Nerd Repairman, the way u hyperfocus & brainstorm w/ intense creative determination all scream that your GF never has to fake it.
Welcome To The Jungle #InappropriateWeddingSongs
#EveryFamilyHas to endure old epic stories that are just old, not epic