A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

It's not considered rape if you say, "LOL JUST KIDDING" afterwards.

If she orders the lobster, she has to give up the clam.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Happy Valentine's Day bitches. Oh, it's tomorrow. Fill me up bartender.

When the sun comes up I have morals again.

Aw man, is it BJ day again, already?

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If women had to have an orgasm to get pregnant, I would be eating in peace right now.

My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."

They call me the hammer when I'm drunk cause I'll nail any fuckable thing that walks.

I'm not one to do things halfway, I do them in fifths.

I want Ricky Gervais to host my funeral.

I will always ignore a woman's feelings unless... those feelings involve me feeling on her titties.

Roses are red, pickles are green, I like your legs and all that's between!

Earmuffs are the cause of lobal warming.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

It would take a titanium bra to hold back these nipples today.

When I see a dude with a ponytail, I assume he's a Siamese twin and he controls the front half.