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I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people
Unreal I wear sunglasses during brunch and people look at me weird but this bitch Gaga wears a bird house on her head and she's a genius..
Has anyone thought of putting a daycare center next to a strip club yet?
I don't drink on the job because I don't have one
You know you're on Twitter too much when you start learning the news from the jokes.
Fact: People that beg for a follow back are also the ones that just lay there during sex.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Lady Gaga and Pauly D are in a video speaking about 9/11. Great idea to have 2 disasters speak about one..
Strip clubs are graduate schools for unpopular high school cheerleaders
Congrats North Carolina for banning gay marriage. Enjoy your win by banging family members and brushing that one tooth you're hanging on to.
You know your coke is fucked up when you're still eating 3 times a day
My New Years resolution is to stop drinking so much for two weeks and then pick right back up where I left off in 2011
Red drinks, blue pills, and white dust... that's what I call Patriotism!!!
Have you ever been so drunk that you've become a tourist in your own town?
Pussy kills more men than cigarettes..
It's funny when people don't realize that you're crazy enough to throw a brick thru their windshield when they steal your parking spot
*3 Years From Now*
Mitt Romney: "Honey, can you pass me the remote?"
Ann Romney: "WHY DON'T YOU ASK ONE OF YOUR BINDER BITCHES?"
Redbull didn't give me wings but Shrooms gave me wings, snakes, different wall color and a walking TV... Ha so take your can and stick it!
You'd think with all the phones with front facing cameras out now people would stop taking pics in the mirror of their fucked up bathroom
Writer for your favorite comedian. Public offender. Televised in 2013.