My sperm are all too drunk to swim up stream.

They can, however, go down the hatch quite easily.

One of my friends on Facebook posted a picture of a cross-eyed, retarded baby.

I LOL'ed.

Turns out it's her kid.

I LOL'ed even harder.

People with a fetish for bad breath have it pretty easy in life.

What the fuck is FavStar you all keep talking about? Is it an alcoholic drink? Does it involve anal sex?

If not, I'm not interested.

I've had a busy evening: chips, porn, masturbation, porn, jacking off, vodka, ESPN, porn, chips, vodka, beating my hog, porn, candy corn.

I refer to my lazy neighbors as Mexicunts.

The more vodka I drink the more urine I squirt all over the neighbor's Jaguar.

I'm not trying to be an asshole - I'm just using my God-given talents.

I'd titty-fuck Snooki with a hacksaw.

When people don't follow me back I assume it's because they think I'm funnier than they are. Or my giant penis is intimidating.

Wanted: warm pussy holding a ham sandwich.

I just took a massive morning piss.

Guess I should change the sheets now…

"Suck my balls!" is a good comeback in any city except for San Francisco.

Turns out that in Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne was actually just trying dig out a glory hole.

Sometimes I look at stuff and say "That looks cool."

And then I see the Ed Hardy logo...

Movie idea: Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson arm wrestling over a used Volvo.

God created the greatest tool holder in the history of the world: the butthole

I was sober for about 15 minutes today. It was awful.

One of my greatest features is not owning a Buick.

I either need a diaper or a mayonnaise jar right away.