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Lesbians always brag they can make a straight woman go lesbian after 30 minutes in bed. Big deal, I can make them do that in 5 minutes.
Guys, rubbing your penis against a trash bag full of chicken bones is what having sex with Madonna feels like.
I made an inappropriate joke about Rodney King on the same day that he died. Don't worry though, he's used to being kicked while he's down.
Hipster scientists use microscopes without lenses in them.
My body isn't a wonderland, it's more like the playground that has only one swing and a homeless guy licking his own cum off of the slide.
If I ever have a son I will name him Michael, but spell it Myekael because I'm an enormous asshole.
Jerry Sandusky's defense says he suffers from a psychological disorder. Yeah, it's called being a pedophile.
On a clear night I can see Gary Busey's teeth and gums from my window.
"I'll say I'm ugly so men will shower me with compliments so I can feel validation." - every other woman on Twitter
Stop judging me for eating McDonald's you vegan douche. When your 90 years old & staring at the wall all day I'll be long dead. CHECK & MATE
John Wilkes Booth: Abraham Lincoln Hunter
Take it from me, the worst kind of nazi is a grammar nazi.
Al Sharpton is trending. (Please let it be because he was assassinated, please let it be because he was assassinated.)
It's cute when stupid people try to be deep.
11-11-11, that's not only the date, it's also Paris Hilton's measurements.
The devil made me do it. Just kidding, I do things because I'm mentally unstable.
In honor of #TardWeek RT stands for re-tard.
If you're going to try and copycat the Colorado movie killings, would you please have the common decency to do it during a Twilight movie.