If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

Why do pregnancy test commercials always show happy couples and not relieved single women?

These are NOT pajamas, they are my house uniform.

If these walls could talk I would be forced to burn the place down.

Bed gravity is strong this morning.

Yoga pants on? Check. Wii Fit dragged from the closet? Check. Already tired and using Wii to watch Netflix? Check.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

I'd totally take a Nerf Dart for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet, my problem is that some of them aren't quite dead.

If there were still carnivorous dinosaurs roaming the earth do you think PETA would wanna save them too?

Sometimes when I order a bunch of take-out I yell, "food is here," to my apartment because I don't want the delivery guy to judge me.

I'm so old I remember accepting a free drink and not wondering if there was a roofie in it.

I don't jog. Seriously if you ever see me running you better run too...something Baaaaaad is coming. (And ill probably kick you in the leg)

Cat has diabetes. Wonderful, now I'm not only a cat lady, I'm a cat-with-special-needs lady.

I prefer the term "mentally interesting" to crazy. Just for future reference.

Every time I see "poker after dark" in the TV listings for a split second I think about porn.

If you don't pretend you are a mermaid for a few minutes when you swim then you probably aren't very fun to swim with.

It's weird people ask me if I still have the same cats every couple years...I don't ask them if they still have the same kids.

Its hard to make a comeback if you haven't been anywhere.